People often express confusion or doubt, but also awe, when I tell them that I am in a non-monogamous relationship with my husband. Even more confusion if I start explaining that I actually have several serious romantic partners. "How does that work?" They may ask. Or, "don't you get jealous?" One of the most typical things I hear is the "oh, that's great, and I hope it works out for you all. But it would never work for me."
Sometimes, I think that by explaining some things about how something works, something like polyamory or other similar forms of non-monogamy, you demystify it and make it more accessible to the people who think it might never work for them. And so, I would like to share a little story about my Christmas of 2013 with the blogosphere.
This year, both my husband and I have been feeling a bit down. We both quit our legit corporate jobs to strike out on our own in the various realms of adult business in 2012, and the realities of running our own businesses and running our own lives sort of caught up with us in 2013. It's been a great year in many ways, as we've both been wildly successful; but sometimes success doesn't look like what you thought it might. Things very rarely happen how you plan for them to, and you find yourself disillusioned and trapped once again as a different sort of cog in the same capitalist machine. This all sounding a little depressing to you? It has been depressing for us too. We have both been stressed, and it has put unexpected strain on our lives and on our relationship.
Seeing my other partners always helps to lift me out of my funk a bit, so I was really looking forward to a holiday visit from my long-distance lover, Zephyr. I have mentioned him in this blog before, but not in a long time. He moved away! But we're in it to win it and trying our best to see each other as often as possible (which is another reason I shouldn't complain about my mostly awesome job/ business; it makes it very easy for me to go visit him). Zephyr came to Colorado about a week before Christmas and let Christmas Eve, and stayed most of the nights he was here with us. This was really the first time he stayed with us for a significant period of time since he moved, and I was sort of worried it was going to drive my husband crazy or that there would be jealousy or arguments. Because, contrary to popular belief, poly people have jealousy and arguments about jealousy all the time. It's just that the "argument" is more like a reasoned discussion where everyone acknowledges their feelings and each others feelings and you come to agreements about how to keep everyone feeling secure and happy in all the relationships. But that only makes the discussions slightly more pleasant than arguments.
There was some jealousy. There were some discussions. There was also some really positive mental health break-throughs for both of us, due to the joyful and encouraging presence of Zephyr in our apartment. While he may only be my lover and partner, he genuinely cares for and loves both my husband and I. He believes in us, and our projects, and our work. Through the various conversations I had with Zephyr, I got back to a place where I felt like I could move forward and make new plans in my life. I also witnessed the conversation between Zephyr and my husband that caused my husband's depression to literally melt away before my eyes- probably only temporarily, but his good mood at least held throughout the entire holiday.
Don't think the silliness of having to refer to these two as "Zephyr" and "my husband" throughout this piece has been lost on me. Discretion is somewhat important around here! Also don't think that I've forgotten this is a sex blog:
On Christmas Eve Eve, the night before Zephyr left, I found myself receiving a back massage from my husband and a head massage from Zephyr. This soon progressed to my husband fucking me from behind while Zephyr watched and jacked off, which is not normally something the three of us do, but it has happened a couple of times. After I came and the husband came, we all chatted a bit, and then I started fucking Zephyr, came again, he went down on me, came again, then he fucked me some more until we both came. It was a real Sex At Dawn experience.
I'm not sure this threeway of my dreams would have happened had we not all bonded in a very sort of... oh, almost familial way during Zephyr's visit. Poly is not only better for me in the sense that I get all the hot sex with all the people I love. It's better for me and- I think- the people who love me because there's just so much love and support to go around. It was fascinating and heart-warming for me to see my husband and my lover connect in a way where one helped the other out of a dark place. It helped me out of my own dark place. Probably only temporarily, but at least I can look back on the Christmas of 2013 and remember it as a bright spot of compassion and threeway in the midst of the "what am I doing with my life" blues.