Unfortunately, I don't mean the Dark Side in the Darth Vader sense. I'm not really using my powers for evil right now- in fact, I'm hardly ever using my powers for anything.
You see, shit has gotten really real recently. I've had some difficulties with work, which has led to questions of my purpose on this planet and lots of doubt. To say I am dealing with depression is a bit of an understatement I think. It's more like I'm dealing with fear, panic, and self-doubt. All of which lead to depression, but for me can be much worse emotions all on their own.
I'm not sure if I've talk much about my issues with anxiety, OCD and depression much on this blog... but my life is not always easy. I have often turned to sex and exploration of my sexuality (and others) as a method of healing and letting go. So it really causes me to go into crisis mode when I feel like sexuality isn't even helping anymore, and that's what I feel like right now. Needless to say, these feelings don't exactly help me to want to write my optimistic little sexuality blog. I decided today that it was OK to write a post that isn't all that optimistic, and here it is. I do have a feeling that this entry will end on an optimistic note, though, because I can't help it sometimes.
And in fact, here comes the optimism: yesterday I had a very cathartic experience involving sex. And I'd like to share it with y'all because it was very beautiful, and really proved to me that I am on the right track. It's just really fucking hard sometimes.
I was feeling particularly discouraged about how I relate to sex lately; particularly I felt like my sexuality is often on the terms of my partners/ clients and that I don't often get to have sex on my terms. And when it comes time to have sex on my terms, I often find myself confused and paralyzed, uncertain what I actually want. My feelings of doubt and fear about my own sexuality and feelings that I am disconnected from it reduced me to tears and wracking sobs. Lots and lots of despair and uncertainty about the future and the one thing that is most important to me in my life.
Sometimes it helps me to just face my fears though, and my lovely husband helped to convinced me that what I needed to do in this situation is exactly what I feared. I needed to have sex, and I needed to have it on my terms. My terms were that I just wanted to cry and feel sad while we did it, and so I did. I cried and sobbed and blubbered while he ate me out, and it was just very... nice. It was wonderful to feel so loved an accepted despite my emotional distress. Then we made love and I had this really... I don't know, kind of just a super release of orgasm and emotion all at once. It felt like I was just letting the emotions all drain out of me, almost like ejaculating actually. I could feel the orgasm in my face and in the tears, and I could feel the fear slowly leaking out of me for the time being. I was still sad afterwards, and I'm still sad today. But I knew it was all going to be OK because sex still has the ability to heal me that deeply.
Ultimately, I feel that life is about coping rather than curing yourself. Sex is one of the many tools that can used for this... just like meditation, exercise, spirituality or drugs. There is a tendency in our society to say things like mediation, exercise and spirituality are valid ways to deal with mental wellness issues, and sex and drugs are not. But I say that a person should use whatever tools work for them. Life should not be about second guessing yourself because you use tools that others frown down upon- it should just be about doing what WORKS for you. Sex works for me, so just deal with it, society. And sincerely, from the bottom of my blackened and dark heart: fuck you for ever making me think that might not be the case.