Monday, February 18, 2013

My New Tattoo: An Explanation

All of my tattoos have a little story behind them, a reason for why I decided to permanently alter my body in that particular way. Some of the stories are kind of stupid, but that doesn't make me any less fond of the tattoo or proud getting it or aware of what I was going through at that point of my life. I feel like the one I got a week ago, though, is the best tattoo ever. It kind of puts all my other ones to shame.

It is a heart made out of rainbow colored Tetris pieces (aka Tetriminos), which on it's surface may seem a simple "I love Tetris" tattoo. And frankly, I do love Tetris. And a lot of other video games. And that's partially what this is all about.

However, this Tetris heart is also a bit of a metaphor to me. It also represents my commitment to the various types of relationships in my life, be they romantic or friendly or platonic of anywhere in-between. Fitting these relationships into my life is like a game of Tetris in many ways: you have to think fast, you have to fit the pieces together... it doesn't always go right and you accidentally drop your long piece in the wrong spot right when you were about to drop it in to clear 4 goddamn rows and get a TETRIS! The rainbow colors (though they didn't turn out quite as rainbow-y as I wanted) represent my pride to not only be queer/pan/bi/sexual/whatever, but the great pride I take in my ability to be openly and lovingly slutty. The spot on my chest is the spot where people typically get "sacred heart" tattoos, and so the placement represents the fact that I hold love/sex/relationships in a spiritual place in my heart. I worship at the alter of hedonism and respect for my fellow humans.

That was actually a terrible spot to choose, though. It hurt like a motherfucker.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

Maybe you haven't noticed, but I have been suffering a little from writer's block lately. It's not that I don't have anything to say so much as I don't really have the words to put to it. I feel like I am really hitting a positive stride in my life; I'm comfortable in my body, confident in my relationships, and loving my work. When I think on my work, I keep coming back from the quote from Spiderman. It may only be from the movie, but it may also be from the comics. I don't know, I'm not that big of a geek.

"With great power comes great responsibility," says Peter Parker's uncle Ben. Or Stan Lee. Or Voltaire. Whoever.

I'm not quite so ego-maniacal as I would need to be to assert that I believe I have "great power." But I have seen the positive effects of my powers on many of my clients/ fans/ friends recently, and the quote feels apt to me because it is both wonderful and overwhelming. I got into sex work because I wanted to help bring happiness and positive energy into other people's sex lives, and I hoped to provide a little healing and love as well. The feedback that I have been getting is that I have done all of this for people, and more. It is so wonderful to have accomplished my goals already, and leaves me wondering what else I can do. How can I take it to the next level? How can I sustain this positive energy? How can I continue hone my craft and perfect my art until I could legitimately claim to have great power? How can I remain humble and continue to learn and grow?

What is my great responsibility?

Spiderman, and many other mythical superheroes, often feel the need to completely abolish crime and to help every "good" citizen to live a peaceful life. I don't think that I alone am capable of abolishing sexual shame, nor am I capable of touching every individual or creating safe sexual space for everyone. In fact, while my sex-positive attitude is the soothing balm that heals many a person's wound, it has also come to light for me lately that it has hurt and alienated others in the past. For all the times I have helped someone to feel less ashamed, more free or loved or cared for, there have been others who I dismissed or judged because they couldn't get with my sexual program. For all my wins I have an equal amount of losses.

I don't want to alienate anyone, ever. However, I have yet to figure out how to do my work without alienating some. My responsibility to my fellow humans is almost as murky to me as when I began my life's journey. Sometimes it feels even further out of my reach as my responsibility to myself becomes even more clear.

Ah, the ramblings of a writer with writers block. As I said, the words are still not forthcoming for me. But I do know one thing: I am here to help, and this is the simplest way to state what I think my life's work is.