Thursday, December 26, 2013

A Very Poly Christmas

People often express confusion or doubt, but also awe, when I tell them that I am in a non-monogamous relationship with my husband. Even more confusion if I start explaining that I actually have several serious romantic partners. "How does that work?" They may ask. Or, "don't you get jealous?" One of the most typical things I hear is the "oh, that's great, and I hope it works out for you all. But it would never work for me."

Sometimes, I think that by explaining some things about how something works, something like polyamory or other similar forms of non-monogamy, you demystify it and make it more accessible to the people who think it might never work for them. And so, I would like to share a little story about my Christmas of 2013 with the blogosphere.

This year, both my husband and I have been feeling a bit down. We both quit our legit corporate jobs to strike out on our own in the various realms of adult business in 2012, and the realities of running our own businesses and running our own lives sort of caught up with us in 2013. It's been a great year in many ways, as we've both been wildly successful; but sometimes success doesn't look like what you thought it might. Things very rarely happen how you plan for them to, and you find yourself disillusioned and trapped once again as a different sort of cog in the same capitalist machine. This all sounding a little depressing to you? It has been depressing for us too. We have both been stressed, and it has put unexpected strain on our lives and on our relationship.

Seeing my other partners always helps to lift me out of my funk a bit, so I was really looking forward to a holiday visit from my long-distance lover, Zephyr. I have mentioned him in this blog before, but not in a long time. He moved away! But we're in it to win it and trying our best to see each other as often as possible (which is another reason I shouldn't complain about my mostly awesome job/ business; it makes it very easy for me to go visit him). Zephyr came to Colorado about a week before Christmas and let Christmas Eve, and stayed most of the nights he was here with us. This was really the first time he stayed with us for a significant period of time since he moved, and I was sort of worried it was going to drive my husband crazy or that there would be jealousy or arguments. Because, contrary to popular belief, poly people have jealousy and arguments about jealousy all the time. It's just that the "argument" is more like a reasoned discussion where everyone acknowledges their feelings and each others feelings and you come to agreements about how to keep everyone feeling secure and happy in all the relationships. But that only makes the discussions slightly more pleasant than arguments.

There was some jealousy. There were some discussions. There was also some really positive mental health break-throughs for both of us, due to the joyful and encouraging presence of Zephyr in our apartment. While he may only be my lover and partner, he genuinely cares for and loves both my husband and I. He believes in us, and our projects, and our work. Through the various conversations I had with Zephyr, I got back to a place where I felt like I could move forward and make new plans in my life. I also witnessed the conversation between Zephyr and my husband that caused my husband's depression to literally melt away before my eyes- probably only temporarily, but his good mood at least held throughout the entire holiday.

Don't think the silliness of having to refer to these two as "Zephyr" and "my husband" throughout this piece has been lost on me. Discretion is somewhat important around here! Also don't think that I've forgotten this is a sex blog:

On Christmas Eve Eve, the night before Zephyr left, I found myself receiving a back massage from my husband and a head massage from Zephyr. This soon progressed to my husband fucking me from behind while Zephyr watched and jacked off, which is not normally something the three of us do, but it has happened a couple of times. After I came and the husband came, we all chatted a bit, and then I started fucking Zephyr, came again, he went down on me, came again, then he fucked me some more until we both came. It was a real Sex At Dawn experience.

I'm not sure this threeway of my dreams would have happened had we not all bonded in a very sort of... oh, almost familial way during Zephyr's visit. Poly is not only better for me in the sense that I get all the hot sex with all the people I love. It's better for me and- I think- the people who love me because there's just so much love and support to go around. It was fascinating and heart-warming for me to see my husband and my lover connect in a way where one helped the other out of a dark place. It helped me out of my own dark place. Probably only temporarily, but at least I can look back on the Christmas of 2013 and remember it as a bright spot of compassion and threeway in the midst of the "what am I doing with my life" blues.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Free Porn!

Just a quick post to let all you pervs out there know that I shot a new solo scene the other day for one of my favorite toy companies, Xtreme Ogasmatronics. Here's the scene: and it's totally free! http://queerporntube.com/watch_video.php?v=A6M5SD613RBS …

Full disclosure: yes, my husband did invent this toy and owns this company. You might say that one of the reasons it's a favorite toy of mine is that I was the primary tester on it! So of course it suits me. But there were other testers, too ;)

Friday, November 15, 2013

Why My Orgasms Are My Own

I recently saw a post on a local sex work board from a client who felt stupid when he learned that most sex workers feel that the "I want to please you [the sex worker]" attitude that some clients have makes their job harder. I don't think anyone should feel stupid about assuming that attitude would please a sex worker; after all, it shows that you likely want your provider to have a good time and enjoy her work. However, an often unexamined angle of that attitude is that it also has a lot to do with a person's own sexual ego, and the idea that to be good in bed means that you must possess a skill set that can get anyone off. While it seems like it's coming from a well-intentioned place, it can often come off as sexual machismo and, frankly, creates an atmosphere where orgasms will be faked which will lead to some sex workers feeling frustrated about the amount of effort that they had to put into your session in order to stroke your fragile ego.

The phenomena of orgasm expectation in the context of partner sex, and especially heterosexual partner sex, is something that has already been addressed by several people on the Internet- and probably addressed in a much better way than how I am about to address it. But I wanted to take a moment to try and explain some things about it that are specific to the dynamics of full-service sex work sessions (these are the sort of sessions that I do; where people meet in person and get it on). It would be impossible for to talk about this without talking about it from a perspective of personal experience, so let me start with some basics about me and my oragsms.

I am one of those fortunate female creatures who finds it relatively easy to orgasm during partner sex. However, this is a skill I built over years of sex with a lot of different people. Not trying to brag on that point; I'm only including it because I think it's an important distinction on why I was able to attain this ability. When I started having sex, primarily with cis-gendered men for the first 6-7 years of being sexually active, I would rarely orgasm during partner sex. This included during manual or oral stimulation. I do not believe that this was because my lovers were not skilled, but rather because I had to reach a place of comfort with myself, my body and it's reactions to being touched by others.

Also, and this is perhaps the most important point; I never touched myself during partner sex for the first many years that I had it. Why? Well, it all goes back to the point of the way our culture builds expectations around what partner sex should look like, and I didn't want to hurt those fragile egos of my male partners by making them think that they weren't getting me off, or that I had to get myself off. It was around the age of 25 or so that I had finally read enough articles and watched enough porn to realize that it was, indeed, ok to touch myself during sex- and that was when I finally started to orgasm with more regularity.

I believe that by regularly touching myself in front of my partners led me to a place where it was easier to orgasm through the touch of my partners. I began encouraging mutual masturbation frequently, because it is hot but also because we could then see how we touched ourselves and learn from it. I began fingering myself while receiving oral sex, or rubbing my clit while getting fingered. And I always, always try to find a way to rub my clit or use a vibrator when being penetrated by a cock, be it a toy or one that is attached to a body. So, already, I am actually technically getting myself off half the time, even though my partner is definitely helping. When a partner actually is the one who gets me off, I think it is a learned response from being able to get myself off in the context of partner sex so frequently. What I mean by that is: having been in a scenario where someone is penetrating me and I am rubbing my clit and getting off so often, I now find that sort of thing so hot that having someone else rub my clit (or lick it, or use a vibrator on me) makes the orgasm easier. My body has also become accustomed to a lot of different types of touch in a lot of different situations, whereas it all seemed rather foreign or different from my masturbation before.

This, however, does not mean that I prefer the orgasms my partners give me. They're great, I love getting orgasms from partners, but the ones I give myself tend to be more powerful and satisfactory. For me, no two orgasms are ever really the same, and the intensity can vary quite a bit. That, right there, is why I always feel like my orgasms are my own to have. Someone else can give me a ton of orgasms, and it will make me very happy, but in the end I always prefer to also give myself several during a partner sex session.

I have talked to many women who have a similar orgasmic response to me, and usually they have a similar sexual background to me (though not always). I have also talked to many women who find it difficult or impossible to orgasm during partner sex. I have talked to many women who must do a very specific and certain thing to themselves for a long time in order to orgasm. I have talked to women who can only orgasm through penetration, and women who can't be penetrated at all when they orgasm. I have talked to many men who have similar orgasmic responses; this is not just a phenomena that affects women. It really affects people of any gender, and can have some to do with sexual experience, or nothing at all to do with sexual experience. Everyone is just so different in their sexual response, and this is one the first thing we need to understand and respect about people when we consensually chose to have a sexual interaction.

In the context of sex work this fact is really no different. Many people seek out a sex worker because they want to realize a fantasy, and many sex workers are in the business of providing fantasy fulfillment. I do think it's important to understand that fantasy is it's own thing, though. If you're looking to authentically please a sex worker, the best way to do that is not necessarily to ask them what is pleasurable to them and expect that it will work. The best way to please a sex workers is to not put expectations on their orgasmic response; rather, focus on sensation that is pleasurable and focus on feeling good. Always allow for lots of self-stimulation, and be happy to witness an orgasm however it occurs.

Orgasms are wonderful, but they are not always the purpose of partner sex. To me, partner sex is about connection; emotional connection through the physical, a shared experience of pleasure. While I always want my clients to get what they want out of session with me, I personally never expect to be the one who gets them off, or for them to get off at all. In an ideal sex work world, clients should hold the same attitude toward their providers. A lack of expectations placed on both parties always creates a more relaxed, happy and enjoyable experience for everyone involved. This is my firm belief after many years of fooling around with as man people as possible.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

A Few Thoughts on Sex Addiction and Monogamy

Let me start out this post by saying that there are many things I find problematic about the whole idea of sex "addiction." It's not that I think it's impossible that someones relationship to sex or pornography couldn't cause them to do things that ruin their lives; it's more that I think if our society had a more healthy relationship with sex overall that these actions would be a lot less likely to ruin lives. Most researchers and health professionals agree that the release of oxytocin created by orgasm and partner sex is good for the immune system, depression and other mental wellness issues, and for the happiness of the partners in a relationship with that relationship. So sex is a good thing then, right? Well, apparently not always. Not if you use it excessively to deal with your issues, because we live in a puritanical culture that doesn't believe in anyone experiencing too much happiness or contentment with life.

We also live in a society where everyone seems to think they're a mental health expert who can diagnose anyone with an addiction because they enjoy doing something, anything, frequently. It's not just alcohol, drugs or sex; people in our society aren't safe from accusations of addiction to the Internet, video game, television, food, exercise, you-name-it. You can really be addicted to anything. However, I feel the stigma that comes along with sex addiction the most, having been accused of it several times. My favorite was when a nurse who was drawing my blood for tests associate with taking accutane asked me where I worked, and when I told her I worked for a porn company she gave me a card for her churches sex and pornography addiction recovery group. I cannot stress enough that I told this relative stranger that this was my work and her response was to inform me that I have an addiction. This is what I mean by everyone thinking their an expert.

What really breaks my heart more than anything, though, is when I see people who are in a committed monogamous relationship begin to accuse their partner of having a sex or porn addiction simply because they cheated or had sex outside of the relationship or because they watch porn once or twice a week. Not only is this very likely an inaccurate diagnosis in most cases; it is a manipulative technique to gain control over a person you were never meant to have control over in the first place. Just because you are in a committed relationship with someone does not mean you possess them. A person is never another person's property, no matter what you agreed to in your vows.

I wish that instead of defaulting to committed monogamy- and assuming that one of the partners in the committed relationship must have a "problem" or "addiction" if they would risk ruining their relationships over a little sex- people would just talk about their sexual needs before committing. I wish people could be more honest with themselves and then with each other about the fact they are very unlikely to be able to remain committed to one sexual partner for the rest of their lives. Or that they are very unlikely to not look at some sexually stimulating material on the Internet every so often for the purpose sexual pleasure.  On the flip side of that, I wish more people could be honest about how sexual desire in a relationship can die out, and it may perhaps be OK to remain committed to one person while gaining sexual pleasure through another.

When we start to own our sexual needs and accept the fact that it is healthy to have these needs- to release our oxytocin in safe, consensual environments- it becomes far less likely that someone can accuse us of having an unhealthy, addictive relationship with sex. Is sex addiction real? Only if you allow someone to manipulate you into thinking it is not your basic human right to have consensual sex and enjoy it.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Slixa.com

I wanted to take a moment to try and direct some traffic to a really great new provider advertising site, slixa.com. It may seem strange that I would want to do this, but I assure you I have no ponies in this race (is that a commonly used metaphor or did I just make that up?). I just really like the user interface of the site and think it's beautifully designed, and I really want to see them succeed because I think they're good people. I don't actually know much about them; I first learned of them when my friend/lover who went to the Desiree Alliance conference (a sex worker conference for those not in the know) gave me a tin of lipbalm that they were giving out there. Outside of that, I know I have been advertising for free with them during a trail period, but am not sure how much ads will cost in the future (advertising is one of my largest business expenses, as is to be expected, but some of the big sites gouge and they know it. Especially for top placements or any advertising outside of the bare minimum. There's a reason why so many providers gravitate to backpage; it's one of the easiest and most affordable options). And I know they post a lot of marketing, legal, business and activism information on their blog, which is something I appreciate. Other big advertising sites do that as well, but I like the tone of slixa a little better.

So, if you're a client and you're looking for an ad site that is easy to use, beautiful to look at and extremely helpful to providers, check it out! That's slixa.com, s-l-i-x-a.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Hi, My Name is Kitten, and I Have a Panty Fetish

Preparations to launch a new panty selling venture have got me thinking about how much I legitimately love panties. You may think I'm writing this blog strictly for marketing purposes, but I assure you that my panty fetish is serious. Let me tell you about it.

It is often a little... weird to talk about childhood sexuality, but since it is my own I am about to talk about I don't feel too weird about it. I was very sexually precocious. One might even say it was predictable that I would grow up to be such a shameless slut, since I discovered masturbation and orgasm when I was around 6 or 7-years-old. For some strange reason, though, I never figured out that I could actually directly touched my pussy. From the very beginning, it was always about my panties. The way they felt against me, and the way they felt even better if I pulled them nice and taut. Eventually I discovered that if I pulled them taut and then sort of... for lack of a better word, itched my clit with my fingernail through my panties, I would get some really good feelings down there. Good feelings that would build to a crescendo and then a great sense of relief. My mother caught me doing this once and, bless her heart, told me that I could do that all I wanted to but I had to do it in private. This was how I discovered masturbation and orgasm, and how I did it for the next 10 years.

When I was 14 and a freshman in high school a gay, 18-year-old senior bought a Playgirl for me. If you've never looked at a Playgirl (I don't even think the magazine is produced any more, sad day), it's not all cocks and balls. There's a lot of pussy in Playgirl as well, which just goes to show that females are more comfortable with their pansexuality imho. Anyhow, upon seeing women touching themselves without wearing panties I had a realization that I could try that too. But I didn't until I was about 17  or 18. I think it was a combination of worrying that it wouldn't work and also being pretty happy with my technique at the time. Once I tried it worked great and I never went back to my panties-on-clit-itching technique because it just wasn't as good. There's nothing like the feeling of dipping your fingers directly into a wet cunt, after all.

To this day, though, I still love incorporating my panties into foreplay and sex. I love it when people pull them taut for me and tease me with them. I love getting my pussy rubbed through them, though I'll never get off that way (another great tease!). I love when people push them aside to lick or fuck me, but don't take them off. Or when they pull them down around my thighs to lick or fuck me but don't take them all the way off. I also love doing things to my lovers with their panties or underwear still on. All the things I just mentioned having done to me, or sucking or rubbing dicks through boxers, or that moment when a dick pops out of boxers and I shove it in my mouth because I'm so happy to see it.

In conclusion: did I mention I like panties? Here I am with my hand shoved inside a pair last night, right before the cat taking the photos ate me out while I was still wearing them. Enjoy!


Sunday, August 11, 2013

Rawr

I have this little Godzilla onesie that I always wanted to do a sexy photo shoot in. I had a hard time talking anyone into shooting it until I met this guy and we made it happen. Here, my friends, are the conflictingly cute and sexy results.















Monday, August 5, 2013

#BlurredLines

So seriously, am I about to do this? Is the thing about to pull me out of my writers block funk seriously going to be fucking Blurred Lines? Only weeks after probably every other feminist with anything useful to say about this phenomena already said it way better than I'm about to say it? OK, I guess that is where we're going.

First I think I need to give a brief explanation for why this is so late: I'm old. Yes, I had heard the song. Yes I had grooved on it and felt guilty for enjoying it with all it's terrible rape culture undertones. Yes I had seen the censored video that I didn't realize was just the censored version until last night, and I thought "now who do they think they are, throwing around hashtags like that?" A friend of mine turned me on to the gender swap version of the video, which made everyone feel a little better.

But have you seen this video?!

I saw it   last night for the first time when I decided I was actually going to like this song and own that I liked it and was looking for the youtube video so I could get my Thicke on, and discovered this uncensored version.

What the fuck is going on in this video? You may think I'm about to pull out a bunch of jargon about how degrading and offensive this is to watch as a woman, how it's disappointing that they didn't use several representations of different female body types, how charming it is that he thinks he has a big dick and wants to talk about it with cheesy balloon art, etc etc. And I mean, yes. All that and more.

You know what though? I'm into it. I can't decide if I like it because it's like watching some sort of sexual/ gender politics train-wreck unfolding, or if there's something deeper going on here. And that second idea is what I want to try to talk about, and something I don't think I've seen many sex-positive feminists talk about with this video.

Did you know this video is directed by a woman? I didn't and definitely assumed it wasn't, until I looked it up. Her name is Diane Martel and here's what she has to say about it (via this huffpost article):

"I wanted to deal with the misogynist, funny lyrics in a way where the girls were going to overpower the men. Look at Emily Ratajkowski’s performance; it’s very, very funny and subtly ridiculing. That’s what is fresh to me. It also forces the men to feel playful and not at all like predators. I directed the girls to look into the camera, this is very intentional and they do it most of the time; they are in the power position. I don’t think the video is sexist. The lyrics are ridiculous, the guys are silly as fuck. That said, I respect women who are watching out for negative images in pop culture and who find the nudity offensive, but I find [the video] meta and playful."

I'm not sure I feel that she succeeded in her goal of making the women in this video seem powerful. But there is something just wonderfully... blase about the way the professionally trained model/ sexpots behave here. They definitely seem to care very little about these terrible, creepy leches chasing them around and acting like idiots. They look like they just showed up to the party because they wanted to dance naked, and really who could blame them for that? They know they look good. They know these idiotic frat boys want them and they could care less. And there's something I find very delightful about that.

This video is a far cry from being sexually liberating for women, as Robin Thicke would want you to believe it is. But I do agree that it has ignited conversation. This video has gotten people talking, and mostly saying really good things about how fucked up it is. I'm going to go out on a perhaps misguided limb here and say that I think it is unintentionally empowering to women in one particular way: casual nudity. While the way the casual nudity of these women is presented in stark contrast to their heavily clothed male costars is highly, highly problematic, it is also wonderful to be able to just see female nudity in media that is sort of not porn and is accessible to most people (in the USA at least). I feel like this is a first step, albeit and extremely misguided one, towards boobs and topless female bodies being less shocking. I really don't think we have Robin Thicke or Diane Martel to thank for this, though. This is yet another achievement in sexual freedom that has been won my the phenomena that is the Internet, and not the fucked-up ideas of female sexual liberation that those two seem to have.

Now let's just remove the bottoms as well, and while we're at please remove the clothes on all the men and just make this a naked party already.

Luckily there is a silver lining to your complicated self-hatred for liking this song/ video:

You probably don't need me to tell you all the reasons why this video is better. I will say, though, that I don't think it's just as simple as swapping the genders and reversing the rolls and turning the tables. The boys in this video are sexier, to me, and so are the girls. Even though it is nominally heteronormative, it's clear that several of the people involved are queer and are playing with the rolls rather than living them. And most importantly, they actually seem like they're managing to have even more fun at their crazy party than the Robin Thicke crowd is.

All and all, I would say you win Mod Carousel, and thank you for sharing.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Sex Workers Are Entrepeneurs, Not Criminals

I'm about to do something very unwise. However, I feel that talking about this and bringing attention to this issue is much more important than my personal safety. You may think me irresponsible; I'd like to think that, should any repercussions occur for me due to this post, it's OK because I'm willing to take one for the team in order to draw attention to the travesty that is the criminalization of sex work in the United States. We are one of the few countries that still arrests, prosecutes, jails and otherwise penalizes sex workers and their clients. It is a well known fact that criminalization of sex work harms those who choose it as a profession. Not just by saddling them with a criminal record, fines and jail/ probation time- the reasons why criminalization compromises the safety of sex workers are numerous, from making it impossible to report and seek justice for sexual assault or violence, to tying the hands of sex workers when it comes to negotiation of boundaries prior to sex acts, to (in some states) making it unsafe to carry/ use condoms since they can be used as evidence against a sex worker, thus increasing their risk of contracting HIV or other sexually transmitted infections.

I'm not really interested in arguing issues of safety today, though, because I think these issues are pretty obvious. The reason I am writing this today is that a rash of prostitution busts in the Denver area recently http://kdvr.com/2013/06/17/22-denver-area-women-arrested-in-prostitution-investigation/ has scared the crap out of me and my community. I was not targeted, and I'm not sure why. The women who were targeted are just like me: independent, "high-class," advertise on the Internet. I don't know any of the individuals personally, but I believe a lot of them were white and cis-gendered. It has traditionally been one of the great tragedies of the Internet-era sex worker that this sort of sex worker is protected by her privilege. So while many of us fight for the rights of every sex worker, regardless of race/ gender/ class/ business model, we also (perhaps naively) tend to think that law enforcement doesn't want to waste their time and resources on our ilk. In reality, none of us are protected and this fact makes it extremely hard for us to run a business. Which brings me to what I would like to talk about: the fact that sex workers are running a business. Sex workers are entrepreneurs, and what does America have left going for it if not it's strong, entrepreneurial spirit? And yet, sex workers are being punished and having their safety compromised because they have figured out a way to make money that does not fit into the societal norm. I truly believe that to be the crux of the issue for why sex work is still criminalized in the US.We criminalize sex in this country while simultaneously patting a lot of white collar criminals on the back for there ingenuity. Brilliant.

I want to share my story as a way of demystifying why someone might choose to do this type of work. I think being open and honest about my work and telling the world that I feel I have nothing to be ashamed of is probably one of the more powerful tools of activism that I have available to me right now. I don't expect to change the hearts and minds of everyone reading this, but I do expect many people to accept the fact that this sort of work is not criminal. It is honest, hard work; and all of us who choose to do it have a myriad of good reasons for having chosen it. Not just high-class, independent courtesans like myself, either; street workers, brothel and agency workers, hustlers, those with drug dependencies, young, old, white, black, other POCs, cis-gendered, trans, privileged and not- we're all just trying to survive. Because seriously, have you tried finding and keeping a decent paying job in this economy?

It's a little ironic that I should bring up the whole finding and keeping a job in the current economy issue, as I did have a decent paying job when I chose to become a sex worker. I was making just under 40K a year, with health insurance, 401K and 2 weeks paid vacation. And I was starving for independence. When I started working for that company I got to choose the hours I would come in and they were still in start-up company mode; drinking during the lunch hour was not an uncommon or even frowned upon activity, as were midday naps on the clock. Having previously worked my ass off in mostly retail jobs for no more than $9 an hour, I thought that by making the jump to white-collar desk jockeying I had finally found the sort of job I could work indefinitely.

Now, before any of you baby boomers or other hard-working (entitled assholes) individuals reading this rush to label me as a lazy millennial, I am just going to briefly out myself as both physically and mentally "disabled." I hate to even use the term disabled, which is why I gave it quotations, because frankly nothing I deal with is all that bad. I can hold down a job, and in fact have never been fired from one, but it is extremely difficult for me. I frequently need to take days off because of migraines or menstrual issues or, you know, because I need a day to get my mental wellness back in order. And there is absolutely no sympathy for those types of needs out in the American rat race.

Every year I was with that company the noose tightened and there was less freedom for me to be who I was, and less sympathy for any of the ailments I may be dealing with on any particular day. More and more rules were handed down from HR. I had to come in at 8am sharp every morning instead of making my own schedule. I had to begin clocking in and out. My vacation time was shortened from 3 weeks to 2. The price I paid for health insurance went up every year. I was no longer working for this company on terms I could agree with, and the term "wage slavery" was one I bandied about freely. That may seem like a severe term to use when my situation was not that bad, but you have to understand that I absolutely felt enslaved. 40 or more hours a week signed over to this company, on their terms, left me very little time for myself. I was going nuts, and I was using all my sick time to try and cope with that fact.

I spent the last 2 years I was with that company looking for a situation I thought would work better for me, and nothing was presenting itself. It was highly unlikely that I would be hired anywhere else; my experience in my one and only white-collar job was simply not enough to get me into any other similar white-collar jobs. I also lack a college education and my only vocational training is in sewing, which usually can only get me minimum wage factory work. Going back to retail or any other barely above minimum wage work was out of the question, since that sort of work was actually much worse for me mentally and physically. Plus, every other job I could find that I might be eligible for just seemed worse. The salaries were less, the benefits worse, the expectations for  how I dress or when I show up much higher. I was trapped in this system, and beaten down by it, and all I could think is there is no way I can keep doing this for the next 30-40 years. I've barely made it through the last 10!

It was at this point, when I felt I had exhausted all other possibilities, that I met some sex workers during a trip to San Francisco. That was when it finally clicked for me. I truly love sex and I'm at least OK at having it. I am good at maintaining multiple relationships and making others feel loved and cared for. In reality, sex and love are the only things I'm good at (and writing I guess, but no one makes money with that anymore). While I was actually working in the sex industry by working for a porn company, I was using Microsoft Excel and not my body or heart or soul. It was time for me to go independent, and to work with my strengths rather than try to get by on my weaknesses.

I had always thought you had to be desperate to choose sex worker because that is the story that society fed me. And yet I saw these happy, healthy, smart and beautiful sex workers in San Francisco who had made an informed decision to choose this type of work and who were doing it on their own, without a pimp or an agency. They were just as happy with their work as I had always wanted to be, and I realized you didn't have to be desperate. In many ways I was desperate to break out of wage slavery, but mostly I just wanted to work my own hours and make my own decisions and have time to be me. Sex work has allowed me to do that. It has allowed me to finally be happy with my work. I am not only living the type of lifestyle that feels most comfortable to me; I am using my openness and knowledge of sexuality to help others to shed some of the shame they've been dealing with surrounding their sexuality. Seriously, you want to tell me that this is a fucking crime? To be happy with my work? To have independence and freedom? To help and heal others?

I run as legitimate of a business as I can. I do this full time, it's my only business, and I pay taxes on it. I don't lie about what I'm doing to anyone; all my friends and family know, as well as any acquaintances and pretty much the entire Internet (and therefore the NSA!). I don't think there's anything wrong with a sex worker choosing to run their business without paying taxes or in secrecy, but I choose to be as honest about it as I can be. Because I want people to take me, and my business, seriously. And I can afford to take the risks involved. I have nothing left to lose.

This is not meant to admonish anyone who happily works 40 hours a week in any sort of job. Nor is it meant to say that my reasons are the only valid reasons for someone to choose sex work. Nor is it meant to sweep some of the dangers or risks inherent in sex work under the rug. This is just my story; one of the millions of stories of someone who is just trying to survive in this economy the best way she knows how. So go ahead, come arrest me. Fine me for enjoying life. Jail and punish me for choosing my own path. Bring. It. On.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Diary of a Nymphomaniac (Sort of Sounds Like This Blog, Doesn't it?)

I saw a movie tonight on Netflix called Diary of a Nymphomaniac. It's pretty much about what it sounds like it's about. I'm not sure I can recommend it because it seems a little too close to being a cautionary tale about marriage and prostitution, both things which I enjoy. Ultimately the moral of the story seemed to be that whether you were a wife or a prostitute you could never truly be free, and I of course have to heartily disagree with that notion. However, I did want to share the last line in the movie with everyone, because it just made me so happy. I love it when other people out there get it, to sort of understand what it feels like to be me"

"I’m a promiscuous woman, yes, because I want to use sex as a means to find what everyone is looking for: recognition, pleasure, self-esteem, and in short, love and affection."

It is my firm belief that there is nothing wrong with a woman loving sex and using it to gain any of the above feelings. It's just that we have to constantly be vigilant and remind ourselves that it is OK, it is good, it is empowering to use sex however we deem necessary. We need to remind ourselves and we need to remind each other.

I use sex to feel alive, and today I feel more alive than ever.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

More Dirty Pictures

Due to unforeseen circumstances beyond my control, I had to take down the previous post with my favorite dirty pictures.It is a very sad day for us all, indeed, but fortunately some of my extremely awesome friends came to the rescue with more sexy amateur pornography shot during a threesome! Now, these photos are definitely amateur and probably not the best looking photos of me ever taken, but there's something that I think is particularly sexy about them. Perhaps it is the amateur quality, or perhaps the relative anonymity of my mysterious partner and our mysterious photographer. No matter the reasons, here they are, in no particular older.
Starting with a lovely black and white artistic piece. The bandaid on my foot adds realism.
This is really just a vanity piece about my ass.
Because I mean look at it! 
Don't forget about this though.
Barriers action shot!
What I love about this picture is the nice juxtaposition of our hands working together to achieve the same penetrative goal.
And last but not least- probably not the best picture of me ever, but now you know it was me!



 






Sunday, April 7, 2013

A Message From The Dark Side

Unfortunately, I don't mean the Dark Side in the Darth Vader sense. I'm not really using my powers for evil right now- in fact, I'm hardly ever using my powers for anything.

You see, shit has gotten really real recently. I've had some difficulties with work, which has led to questions of my purpose on this planet and lots of doubt. To say I am dealing with depression is a bit of an understatement I think. It's more like I'm dealing with fear, panic, and self-doubt. All of which lead to depression, but for me can be much worse emotions all on their own.

I'm not sure if I've talk much about my issues with anxiety, OCD and depression much on this blog... but my life is not always easy. I have often turned to sex and exploration of my sexuality (and others) as a method of healing and letting go. So it really causes me to go into crisis mode when I feel like sexuality isn't even helping anymore, and that's what I feel like right now. Needless to say, these feelings don't exactly help me to want to write my optimistic little sexuality blog. I decided today that it was OK to write a post that isn't all that optimistic, and here it is. I do have a feeling that this entry will end on an optimistic note, though, because I can't help it sometimes.

And in fact, here comes the optimism: yesterday I had a very cathartic experience involving sex. And I'd like to share it with y'all because it was very beautiful, and really proved to me that I am on the right track. It's just really fucking hard sometimes.

I was feeling particularly discouraged about how I relate to sex lately; particularly I felt like my sexuality is often on the terms of my partners/ clients and that I don't often get to have sex on my terms. And when it comes time to have sex on my terms, I often find myself confused and paralyzed, uncertain what I actually want. My feelings of doubt and fear about my own sexuality and feelings that I am disconnected from it reduced me to tears and wracking sobs. Lots and lots of despair and uncertainty about the future and the one thing that is most important to me in my life.

Sometimes it helps me to just face my fears though, and my lovely husband helped to convinced me that what I needed to do in this situation is exactly what I feared. I needed to have sex, and I needed to have it on my terms. My terms were that I just wanted to cry and feel sad while we did it, and so I did. I cried and sobbed and blubbered while he ate me out, and it was just very... nice. It was wonderful to feel so loved an accepted despite my emotional distress. Then we made love and I had this really... I don't know, kind of just a super release of orgasm and emotion all at once. It felt like I was just letting the emotions all drain out of me, almost like ejaculating actually. I could feel the orgasm in my face and in the tears, and I could feel the fear slowly leaking out of me for the time being. I was still sad afterwards, and I'm still sad today. But I knew it was all going to be OK because sex still has the ability to heal me that deeply.

Ultimately, I feel that life is about coping rather than curing yourself. Sex is one of the many tools that can used for this... just like meditation, exercise, spirituality or drugs. There is a tendency in our society to say things like mediation, exercise and spirituality are valid ways to deal with mental wellness issues, and sex and drugs are not. But I say that a person should use whatever tools work for them. Life should not be about second guessing yourself because you use tools that others frown down upon- it should just be about doing what WORKS for you. Sex works for me, so just deal with it, society. And sincerely, from the bottom of my blackened and dark heart: fuck you for ever making me think that might not be the case.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Sex Jam Session

Beautiful video by Sex Educator Karen B.K. Chan that pretty much sums up all my thoughts on sex:

Monday, February 18, 2013

My New Tattoo: An Explanation

All of my tattoos have a little story behind them, a reason for why I decided to permanently alter my body in that particular way. Some of the stories are kind of stupid, but that doesn't make me any less fond of the tattoo or proud getting it or aware of what I was going through at that point of my life. I feel like the one I got a week ago, though, is the best tattoo ever. It kind of puts all my other ones to shame.

It is a heart made out of rainbow colored Tetris pieces (aka Tetriminos), which on it's surface may seem a simple "I love Tetris" tattoo. And frankly, I do love Tetris. And a lot of other video games. And that's partially what this is all about.

However, this Tetris heart is also a bit of a metaphor to me. It also represents my commitment to the various types of relationships in my life, be they romantic or friendly or platonic of anywhere in-between. Fitting these relationships into my life is like a game of Tetris in many ways: you have to think fast, you have to fit the pieces together... it doesn't always go right and you accidentally drop your long piece in the wrong spot right when you were about to drop it in to clear 4 goddamn rows and get a TETRIS! The rainbow colors (though they didn't turn out quite as rainbow-y as I wanted) represent my pride to not only be queer/pan/bi/sexual/whatever, but the great pride I take in my ability to be openly and lovingly slutty. The spot on my chest is the spot where people typically get "sacred heart" tattoos, and so the placement represents the fact that I hold love/sex/relationships in a spiritual place in my heart. I worship at the alter of hedonism and respect for my fellow humans.

That was actually a terrible spot to choose, though. It hurt like a motherfucker.



Sunday, February 10, 2013

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

Maybe you haven't noticed, but I have been suffering a little from writer's block lately. It's not that I don't have anything to say so much as I don't really have the words to put to it. I feel like I am really hitting a positive stride in my life; I'm comfortable in my body, confident in my relationships, and loving my work. When I think on my work, I keep coming back from the quote from Spiderman. It may only be from the movie, but it may also be from the comics. I don't know, I'm not that big of a geek.

"With great power comes great responsibility," says Peter Parker's uncle Ben. Or Stan Lee. Or Voltaire. Whoever.

I'm not quite so ego-maniacal as I would need to be to assert that I believe I have "great power." But I have seen the positive effects of my powers on many of my clients/ fans/ friends recently, and the quote feels apt to me because it is both wonderful and overwhelming. I got into sex work because I wanted to help bring happiness and positive energy into other people's sex lives, and I hoped to provide a little healing and love as well. The feedback that I have been getting is that I have done all of this for people, and more. It is so wonderful to have accomplished my goals already, and leaves me wondering what else I can do. How can I take it to the next level? How can I sustain this positive energy? How can I continue hone my craft and perfect my art until I could legitimately claim to have great power? How can I remain humble and continue to learn and grow?

What is my great responsibility?

Spiderman, and many other mythical superheroes, often feel the need to completely abolish crime and to help every "good" citizen to live a peaceful life. I don't think that I alone am capable of abolishing sexual shame, nor am I capable of touching every individual or creating safe sexual space for everyone. In fact, while my sex-positive attitude is the soothing balm that heals many a person's wound, it has also come to light for me lately that it has hurt and alienated others in the past. For all the times I have helped someone to feel less ashamed, more free or loved or cared for, there have been others who I dismissed or judged because they couldn't get with my sexual program. For all my wins I have an equal amount of losses.

I don't want to alienate anyone, ever. However, I have yet to figure out how to do my work without alienating some. My responsibility to my fellow humans is almost as murky to me as when I began my life's journey. Sometimes it feels even further out of my reach as my responsibility to myself becomes even more clear.

Ah, the ramblings of a writer with writers block. As I said, the words are still not forthcoming for me. But I do know one thing: I am here to help, and this is the simplest way to state what I think my life's work is.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Lesbian Erotica round 2

This story is only partially true... OK so mostly fictional. But I imagine it will be fun to try and figure what is true about the story, and what I made up:

In some ways she really is the girl-next-door stereotype. She just moved in next to my husband and I at the beginning of this month, and we only move here a month ago ourselves. I thought all of our neighbors were surprisingly quiet until she moved in, and I realized we just didn't have any neighbors on either side before her. Her bedroom is right next to mine, and I can hear her play songs on her laptop, talk to her friends on the phone, and cough late at night. I can only imagine what it must be like for her to hear us fuck at approximately the same time almost every night. Or what it's like for her to hear me- or us- fucking our friends, or our groups of friends?

I met her the other night on the elevator. She is much younger than me, in her early 20's, and in the medical industry in some way because she was wearing scrubs. She's very petite and even loose fitting scrubs made her figure look thin and tiny. Other than a big pair of tits no scrubs could hide. Long blonde hair, obviously meticulously curled in the early morning hours before work, and lots of black eyeliner and mascara. I somehow knew by the way she looked at me that she was the new next door neighbor, and she had already seen me at some point and identified me as the kinky group sex swinger next door. She and I were basically almost in a porno in the elevator, but luckily we live on the 2nd floor and the trip up from the garage was too brief for me to prey on her in some lesbian cougar fashion. But even if we lived on the 6th floor, I actually wouldn't have. I never come on to women.

However, tonight I was sitting here answering emails and I heard her and a female friend chatting and giggling. When I hear her talking in her room, I can't make exactly what she's saying; just bits and pieces and the sort of overall feeling in her voice. I can't really hear what her and her friend are saying, but it sounds flirty. And maybe a little drunk? I admit that I was surprised when their conversation became quiet for a time and then quickly turned into sex. I didn't peg her as being into girls, exactly, though when I thought back to the elevator I wondered if I missed the hint of a signal she may have thrown my way. Did she maybe even wink at me?

Their moans start out low and soft, and mostly together, punctuated every so often with a giggle or a statement. Soon it progressed to only one girl moaning, and I began to think about what might be happening. Likely one girl was going down on the other, and I imagined it was my towhead friend in scrubs between her coworker's legs, the coworker's scrubs pulled down around her ankles. I wondered if her coworker was brunette, thus creating the stereotypical hetero-normative male-fantasy girl-on-girl porn scene I always play in my head. Long haired, femme, lipstick lesbians with fingernails way longer than anyone in a medical profession should have. I find my hand down between my legs, fingers dipping into my pussy while I imagine blondey slipping her fingers deep into brunette's pussy.

Hearing them is driving me wild, and now second guessing my interaction with blondey on the elevator, the idea forms in my head that they might like hearing me too. I begin to moan softly, then pinch my nipple and moan loader. I don't hear them for a moment and then continue my moans, suspecting that they have stopped and are both trying to decide if they heard someone else moaning. Eventually the suspected brunette begins to moan again. 

It's clear she's putting on a show for me now, so I try to put on one for her too. She's getting all theatrical and saying things I can't quite make out, other than that they're typical sex things like "oh yeah," and "fuck me." I start saying things like "yes," and "oh God," and totally getting off on this whole interaction. I can't see them, but their sounds are just enough to really make what's happening in my mind seem real.

They switch it up a bit, now their both moaning, then the other one, then both moaning again. I keep rubbing and fingering myself, imaging them fingering each other, 69ing when their moans are muffled, grinding their pussies together when their both getting really loud. I can't take it anymore and I make myself cum, which I express is happening to them very loudly. 

They keep going for a while after that, and I decide to write this because I can't sleep with all their stupid sex noises now. Lesbians have sex for such a long time!