Sunday, December 30, 2012

the Celebrity Vagina Paradox

One of my few guilty pleasures (as in I actually feel pretty guilty about it) is celebrity gossip on the Internet. This is not a plug for this site, because I think it's disgusting* but I frequently read a blog called The Superficial. This blog is just about the rudest, most misogynistic piece of crap... and kind of funny sometimes. I just got addicted to it when I started desk jockeying and still can't stop myself from looking at it on an almost daily business, even now that I don't have a "real job."

One of the weirdest double standards I've seen thrown at female celebrities, not only by this blog but by pretty much any entertainment "news" source, is something that I will called the Celebrity Vagina Paradox (this is just a working title, so don't make fun of me for this not being the correct usage of paradox, or vagina, or whatever). We live in a world where women, and yes occasionally even celebrity women, will go commando under a nice piece of evening wear in order to avoid panty lines. Or perhaps they just go commando because they like it. WHO GIVES A SHIT? Now, even more occasionally, a paparazzo will snap a shot female celebrity who has gone commando in an undignified moment getting out of a limo or whatnot, flashing her nether bits for the whole world to see for several seconds. The horror, the shame, think of the children, etc etc ensues. All over one little shot of beaver that's even more ambiguous looking than Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. "Are those pussy lips or just tan panties?" We often find ourselves asking as we dissect these voyeuristic tidbits of possible vagina.

This happened to Anne Hathaway recently, and when everyone felt it appropriate to post the photo, dissect it (it's pretty much just a picture of her pubic mound, I will point out, and not her vagina or genitals at all) and talk about how embarrassed she should be, Anne was embarrassed (here's a post on it on Perez Hilton to illustrate my point). Which is too bad (I hate when people are embarrassed to have a vagina), but I have some sympathy for her. She also stated that she felt saddened that we live in a culture where someone catches another person in a vulnerable moment, and doesn't just delete the picture. And that our culture commoditizes (this may or may not be a word) the sexuality of someone who isn't consenting to it. Guess what, Anne Hathaway? I totally agree with you.

However, I am also in the business of commoditizing my sexuality, so I can't help but feel that an opportunity is being missed by all the female, and even male, celebrities with photography stalkers. A chance to make a real political statement not only about privacy but also about shame and sex-positivity. Anne Hathaway, you should make this idea a reality. Although I can't help but feel like this is really more of a Rihanna move.

Why not, the next time you're hanging out in on your private property and you notice some asshole taking pictures of you... why not just masturbate? Or better yet, grab someone and fuck them. Or a group of people. Even better if everyone involved is a celebrity. Make sure to really put on as much of a show as you can. Cheat toward the camera. Wink at the camera. Flip the fucker off! Hold up a sign asking people to support your favorite charity.

Frankly, I'm shocked that a celebrity hasn't thought of this yet. Sometimes I imagine myself as a celebrity, and I being interviewed by Conan O'Brien because really he's the only one of those jokers I do an interview for. Though I know I wouldn't actually have a choice (but remember, this is my fantasy world, so I do have a choice in fantasy world!). I imagine Conan asking me all the hard questions about being caught in this awkward moment (I think that's the wording he would use), and I would calmly and rationally explain the pure and simple fact that I am not to blame for unleashing these images upon the world, but actually it's the fault of the asshat who took pictures of me on my private property during a private orgy moment. And then, to top it all off, I would calmly and rationally explain that orgies are nothing to be ashamed of. Especially when they're with the like of Anne Hathaway, Rihanna, Johnny Depp and Rutger Hauer (my celebrity orgy dream team).

Once again, I have solved the big issues facing America today. I should win a Noble Prize.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Dry Cleaning (Humping)

Lately I have been plagued by random fantasies about a former boss of mine. They sort of came out of nowhere, though I believe I may have had a bit of a wet dream about him a week or so ago. I will admit that he was an extremely attractive man, and I definitely had fantasies about him when I worked for him.

When I was about 23 or 24 years old, I had given up all hope on ever having a job I might actually enjoy. Then a spunky young Christian couple gave me a chance and hired me to work the front desk and do a few quick and simple alterations at their dry cleaning business. It was a discount cleaners, and thus very busy. They always had at least 2 front desk employees scheduled at once, and sometimes one of them would join as a 3rd front desk person during the big rushes. He worked most weekday mornings and all day on Saturdays, as did I. In fact, now that I think about it, I think he and I may have had the same schedule (only he worked less hours than me because he owned the place, of course).

In retrospect, I'm pretty sure he was the one who made the hiring decision. And that he chose to hire me because he thought I was cute. He often flirted with me in a very sort of innocent, Christian way. I also remember it sometimes being not so innocent, but I can't actually remember anything he did or said specifically. I do remember that his wife seemed a lot more prude than he did, and sometimes he even seemed a little flamboyant and possibly gay. Gay guys have always loved flirting with me, after all.

That was definitely one of the best jobs I ever had. These people were really into running their business well and being upstanding members of the local community. While they definitely had crazy conservative values about economics, they were strangely socialist in the way they treated their employees. We all wore cute little matching uniforms that they purchased for us and cleaned for free for us. In fact, we could get as many clothes cleaned for free there as we wanted. I asked for a raise once and they not only gave it to me, but encouraged me to always ask for raises if I felt I was being under payed. It's not like they went overboard or anything- the wage was only a few bucks above minimum wage, we didn't have healthcare, nothing like that- but it was a very relaxed and decent place to work. My favorite part about working there was that they knew my politics and still asked me what I thought about things, and still respected my viewpoints. I had a gay roommate at the time and they invited him to all the workplace parties even though they didn't approve of his/ our lifestyle. They even put up with a fair amount of me poking fun at them for being so repressed and traditional.

However, I'm pretty sure if I went in there now and said something like "you know, you guys really inspired me when it comes to running a small business. What business am I in? Oh, I'm a sex worker! Isn't that perfect for me?" They'd be just appalled. Offended and saddened and appalled. Too bad for them, yes, but it's just how they are. Or at least how they were.

All of that background is just to set up my plan for you. Yes, I have a plan. A plan with which I will likely not follow through with because it is at least 99% likely that it will go very bad. But if it went right, it would be legendary.

I would like to go in there some day soon with a few items to get cleaned.* It's really too bad that I'm not a morning person, because a weekday morning might be the perfect time to catch him alone. He used to open the place and be there alone from 6-7am some mornings. If I can't get in there that early- and let's just be honest, I won't- then I will try to go in some day before noon. He will (hopefully) recognize me and welcome me, taking in my clothes himself. Of course he'll ask me what I've been up to since last he saw me because it's been almost 5 years now. I will tell him that I'm self-employed now, you could even say I own my own small business. This will be very exciting to him because he loves business! He'll want more details and I'll tell him it's probably not something he would approve of. This will catch his interest, but he may no better than to ask me to tell him anyway and just let it drop. It might all end there, perhaps he'll flirt with me a bit but I'll be on my way with my discount ticket for pick-up the next day.

If it doesn't end there and he insists on know, I say I will tell him but he has to agree to come have lunch with me, or just go in his office if he doesn't have time, because it's something I need to be discreet about. Again, this gives him another opportunity to opt out. But if I get him alone (that's actually pretty chancy as well, he may not even be there or his wife might be there working with him), I will tell him the whole deal. I will even give him a card that will lead him straight to this blog. And, now that I think of it... straight to this entry! But I might delete it before he ever gets a chance to look it up. He will be shocked, appalled, offended, saddened, and I will no longer get a friend discount. At least not without a lecture about my life choices.

Or, he will be aroused. He will think about how his wife hasn't been satisfying lately, how the kids have been so demanding, how he's worked so hard to earn all his money and it's been so stressful. There's a small, a very tiny chance he may ask about my rates.

What will I say, "Oh, R___, I wouldn't charge you to spend time with me. I would love to have a date with you. I've always thought you were hot."

And bam! It's on. The chance that something like this could actually happen is what's turning me on. Of course it never would, but what if it did? It would be like a friggin' porno! Legendary.

R___, if you're reading this and you like where it's going, you know how to get in touch. If you're reading this and it's not turning you on, then I am so, so sorry. I am only a woman. I have needs.

*Footnote: I actually began thinking about him again even before the wet dream, though not in as much of a sexual way as the wet dream brought out. I have been getting a lot of dry cleaning done lately since I try to dress nice for my appointments and such. It's so expensive! I have been wanting to go back there so that I could get cheaper cleaning- like I said it's already a discount cleaners, and I have a lifetime friend discount. One that I am likely to lose if I go in there and come on to him. It's in a Denver suburb though, at least 20 minutes away from where I live now. That's the only thing that's been stopping me. And fear that I will actually follow through with this plan.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012


Have you ever seen this show, Cheaters? It would be impossible for me to hate a show anymore than I hate that show, and yet I am drawn to it like mosquito to a citronella candle (does that happen to anyone else? Weird analogy?). I often find myself watching it when I have a hotel room all to myself and it's some ungodly hour of the morning. The purpose of this show seems to be to embarrass, shame, ridicule and pass judgment on those who cheat, which actually seems to be America's favorite pastime lately. It's as though those who cheat are actual demons. Evil, selfish, cruel incubi/ sucubi sent from hell by Satan himself to torment poor, innocent Robert Pattinson. Oh yes, I'm sure someone as good looking and young as him has never even thought about cheating on his one true love.

The polyamory community, as I have experienced it, seems to have a pretty similar stance to cheating as the monogamous community. However, while the monogamy community tends to focus on the betrayal of sharing intimacy with another just as much as the betrayal of the lies, the poly community is very much focused on the lying. This is because polyamorous people like to think of themselves as being super honest and communicative people, and polyamorous people are- unfortunately- just as capable of throwing stones. Add this to the list of reasons why I am not always comfortable identifying as poly; it gives people the impression that I feel I have some sort of moral high-ground over them just because I conduct my sexual and romantic affairs honestly.

Would you like to know why I conduct my sexual and romantic affairs honestly? It's because I'm a terrible liar. But I have been known to tell a little white lie here or there, or not tell people the full story. I am human, as we all are.

If you are like me and you assume that monogamy is impossible and that it is natural to lie to those you love (though perhaps not preferable), then cheating becomes the natural conclusion. I am just so tired of hearing this bullshit little story everyone tells themselves about fidelity and how they would never cheat and how people who do cheat are bad, no good people. You never know what you will do until you are presented with any particular situation. And you can't judge someone for making the choices they made unless you have experienced that situation as they have experienced it.

Sure, there are a lot of shitty, even evil, selfish and cruel reasons for someone to cheat. But those are probably the reasons you will get when you hear the story from the perspective of the person who has been cheated on. Ask the cheater their reasoning, and the story often changes. I don't want to blame people who can't or won't have the type of sex their partner wants to have for their partner cheating on them... but the cheating partner should never take all of the blame, either.

I believe cheating is an unfortunate side effect of a massively sexually repressed culture. In fact, I believe that due to the repression we all experience surrounding sex, many people cheat just because lying about sex is such a goddamn turn-on. There are also people who just don't know any better because they were never told they can ask a partner's permission for sex outside the relationship, and the partner may say yes. And there are people who are told that if they were to say yes to a partner's request for sex outside the relationship, they will be ridiculed or questioned for being OK with it. To go back to our friend R. Pattz, for example, think of all the public ridicule and questioning he must now endure for having taken his cheating whore of a girlfriend back. There are very few scripts in our society for anything but cheating, but at least the cheating script is familiar to all of us.

Well, I'm breaking out of character on this one at least. I won't say that I necessarily support a cheater in every situation, but you know what I do support? Sexual freedom and autonomy. Everyone gets to make up their own mind about how they seek pleasure, and not a one of us is in a good position to pass judgment on that.