Friday, September 28, 2012

Traditional Hetreonormative Scripts

I like to consider myself a bit of a sexual adventurer. I try a lot of different things, I play around. It's fun when sex is a little different from the usual script. But I'm going to share a little secret with y'all right now; when it comes to my typical sexual interactions, which are typically with cis-gendered men, I just like to sort of... let the guy do all the work. From the seduction to the first move to the being on top of me doing all the thrusting, it feels really nice to be taken care of like that. To have the sex planned out for you, to just let it happen. I have always known that this script can be a tremendous burden for the heterosexual male, though they don't always claim it is. And some men do truly like to be dominant in that way. However, I believe the majority of heterosexual-ish men I know have many, many fantasies where the woman takes over.

I spent the afternoon just the other day talking to a friend and sometimes lover of mine about this topic. He talked about how it's not just the expectations of the man conquers woman script, it's also the responsibility. Maybe, just maybe, he wants a woman to fall over him and seduce him and fuck him so that, just once in his life, he can say with full confidence "she wanted this." That was a bit of a wake-up call for me, because I spend so much time in my own head as I'm "allowing" myself to be seduced. Thinking about how badly I want it, but never expressing that out loud. To me it seems like it's in the air, an unspoken but unmistakable yearning. And when I allow myself to yield like that, like the delicate, feminine flower I am, I feel so much comfort in the cocoon of this old, familiar romantic tale.

And here I am, with all these fantasies about dominating men in my head. Imagining myself inviting a man out for drinks or dinner, buying him his meal, driving him home when he's a little intoxicated, shoving him up against the wall as soon as we're in his apartment, kissing him deeply so that he's good and hard, ripping off his pants, sucking his dick and then backing up onto it and fucking him while I rub my clit and cumming so so hard. Taking what I want, taking responsibility for that fuck. I have these fantasies, and sometimes I live them out. But they're so hard to follow through on with my comfortable little cocoon of heteronormative sex. I have to psyche myself up for days and make plans and all these things I'm not used to.

Yeah, I know. Waaah. This is what it's like to be a man, isn't it?

I vow to break out of my submissive mold. Watch out boys; my fantasies can get a little dark.

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