Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Here's A Story From When I Was 16

Is it weird to talk about the perverted shit you did before you were legal? Because a lot of my funniest stories come from that time.

Throughout my hornier teenage times- which was pretty much all of my teenage times (seriously, I started masturbating when I was about 7. So I was actually horny throughout most of my childhood even)- I was often trying to figure out how to insert large objects into my vagina. I never did end up getting penetrated by anything until my second boyfriend fingered me when I was 18. I know! 18! I didn't even lose my virginity until I was 18. To the same guy even. But I digress.

I heard somewhere that women would sometimes use a cucumber as a dildo in times of need, and while I thought a cucumber seemed ridiculously large I also thought "hey, I can do this. Build up slow, like it says to in Cosmo," and eyed the cucumbers in the fridge for months. The cucumbers my mother bought. For our salads. Surely I wouldn't go for that, would I? The salad cucumbers?

Oh, but I did. My not-so-wise-as-it-thought 16-year-old mind had no idea had to insert a cucumber into my pussy, so it wasn't pretty.

Late one night when I was particularly feeling the ache to have something, anything, deep inside me, I stole away to the kitchen after my parents went to bed and thieved the biggest cucumber from the veggie crisping drawer. Why did I chose the biggest? I was afraid that it was what I was supposed to do, since "size matters (but we pretend it doesn't)" was the heterosexual female opinion of the era. I have since heard a lot of advice about fucking a cucumber: you have to peel it (which seems like it would be too strangely... cooling to me), wear a condom on it (that would have been the courteous thing to do for my family I suppose... more on that later), and as with any large object you're trying to insert in any hole use plenty of lube. I didn't even hear about lube that you could purchase until I was again, 18, so I furiously masturbated in my room for hours while trying to shove a cucumber that was way wider than any dick I've ever seen into my virginal pussy with no lube. I'm glad I eventually gave up.

And washed it off thoroughly, but not with soap because you can't really wash vegetable with soap, can you? And then put back in the the veggie crisping drawer, where it cooled off after it's hot sexual encounter with me for a day or two until my family ate it in a salad.


1 comment:

  1. You'd think that cucumber would have been a pickle by the time you were done with it. You can pickle my cucumber anytime.