Friday, September 28, 2012

Traditional Hetreonormative Scripts

I like to consider myself a bit of a sexual adventurer. I try a lot of different things, I play around. It's fun when sex is a little different from the usual script. But I'm going to share a little secret with y'all right now; when it comes to my typical sexual interactions, which are typically with cis-gendered men, I just like to sort of... let the guy do all the work. From the seduction to the first move to the being on top of me doing all the thrusting, it feels really nice to be taken care of like that. To have the sex planned out for you, to just let it happen. I have always known that this script can be a tremendous burden for the heterosexual male, though they don't always claim it is. And some men do truly like to be dominant in that way. However, I believe the majority of heterosexual-ish men I know have many, many fantasies where the woman takes over.

I spent the afternoon just the other day talking to a friend and sometimes lover of mine about this topic. He talked about how it's not just the expectations of the man conquers woman script, it's also the responsibility. Maybe, just maybe, he wants a woman to fall over him and seduce him and fuck him so that, just once in his life, he can say with full confidence "she wanted this." That was a bit of a wake-up call for me, because I spend so much time in my own head as I'm "allowing" myself to be seduced. Thinking about how badly I want it, but never expressing that out loud. To me it seems like it's in the air, an unspoken but unmistakable yearning. And when I allow myself to yield like that, like the delicate, feminine flower I am, I feel so much comfort in the cocoon of this old, familiar romantic tale.

And here I am, with all these fantasies about dominating men in my head. Imagining myself inviting a man out for drinks or dinner, buying him his meal, driving him home when he's a little intoxicated, shoving him up against the wall as soon as we're in his apartment, kissing him deeply so that he's good and hard, ripping off his pants, sucking his dick and then backing up onto it and fucking him while I rub my clit and cumming so so hard. Taking what I want, taking responsibility for that fuck. I have these fantasies, and sometimes I live them out. But they're so hard to follow through on with my comfortable little cocoon of heteronormative sex. I have to psyche myself up for days and make plans and all these things I'm not used to.

Yeah, I know. Waaah. This is what it's like to be a man, isn't it?

I vow to break out of my submissive mold. Watch out boys; my fantasies can get a little dark.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Here's A Story From When I Was 16

Is it weird to talk about the perverted shit you did before you were legal? Because a lot of my funniest stories come from that time.

Throughout my hornier teenage times- which was pretty much all of my teenage times (seriously, I started masturbating when I was about 7. So I was actually horny throughout most of my childhood even)- I was often trying to figure out how to insert large objects into my vagina. I never did end up getting penetrated by anything until my second boyfriend fingered me when I was 18. I know! 18! I didn't even lose my virginity until I was 18. To the same guy even. But I digress.

I heard somewhere that women would sometimes use a cucumber as a dildo in times of need, and while I thought a cucumber seemed ridiculously large I also thought "hey, I can do this. Build up slow, like it says to in Cosmo," and eyed the cucumbers in the fridge for months. The cucumbers my mother bought. For our salads. Surely I wouldn't go for that, would I? The salad cucumbers?

Oh, but I did. My not-so-wise-as-it-thought 16-year-old mind had no idea had to insert a cucumber into my pussy, so it wasn't pretty.

Late one night when I was particularly feeling the ache to have something, anything, deep inside me, I stole away to the kitchen after my parents went to bed and thieved the biggest cucumber from the veggie crisping drawer. Why did I chose the biggest? I was afraid that it was what I was supposed to do, since "size matters (but we pretend it doesn't)" was the heterosexual female opinion of the era. I have since heard a lot of advice about fucking a cucumber: you have to peel it (which seems like it would be too strangely... cooling to me), wear a condom on it (that would have been the courteous thing to do for my family I suppose... more on that later), and as with any large object you're trying to insert in any hole use plenty of lube. I didn't even hear about lube that you could purchase until I was again, 18, so I furiously masturbated in my room for hours while trying to shove a cucumber that was way wider than any dick I've ever seen into my virginal pussy with no lube. I'm glad I eventually gave up.

And washed it off thoroughly, but not with soap because you can't really wash vegetable with soap, can you? And then put back in the the veggie crisping drawer, where it cooled off after it's hot sexual encounter with me for a day or two until my family ate it in a salad.


Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Responsible Hedonism

I have recently been reading about the philosophy of Hedonism and decided that this is basically the life philosophy I independently chose for myself. My main goal in life has always just been to have fun, share love and compassion, and experience pleasure.

Of course, life is full of things that you need to do in order to optimize your fun or pleasure, and an unfortunate consequence of these things is that they're not fun. Take exercise. I freely admit to hating it. It is not at all pleasurable for me- never has been, never will be. However, being in at least OK shape helps my immune system so that I get sick less, keeps my energy up, and helps me have better sex. So I should try to do some exercise so that I can get the most out of life, shouldn't I? How can I make exercise worth my while?

I have decided that any low impact exercise session now earns me one masturbation session. Today, I walked a mile. And then I rewarded myself. I am calling this responsible hedonism. I suppose that I should only reward myself with sex by, say, running a mile, but let's be honest. That ain't gonna happen.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

What Do I Think About "Active Consent?"

This is a topic that has been hot in BDSM and sex positive communities lately. I'm calling it active consent because I think I've heard some people call it that and I can't remember the other thing that it's called. Why am I writing about this? Well, I'm certainly no expert, nor would I ever claim to be. I don't even think I have that strong an opinion; this is something I have only really began to think and talk about myself within the last couple of years. But the fact is that I will be speaking on a panel about this tomorrow night, and I think writing this will help me get my thoughts in order. I might as well share it with the likes of youse out there in the blogosphere. I can only hope that it will create controversy and traffic! Oh and this probably needs a trigger warning too. TRIGGER WARNING.

On it's most basic level, I'm totally behind active consent and the consent culture that is popping up around this movement/ thing people are talking about. I can't imagine that there are very many people who aren't behind it; the vast majority of non-consensual situations happen when one person gets carried away, or believes that the situation is consensual when it's not, or when someone believes the situation to be consensual when in fact they have just talked someone into it. I'm not saying outright aggressive, blatantly non-consensual situations don't happen. But I do believe in the inherent good intentions of most of humanity, and I do not think most people intentionally set out to hurt others. Full disclosure dictates that I should tell you at this time that I have never found myself in a situation where I said "no," and was ignored. I have never been attacked or sexually abused by someone who had the intent of hurting me, and when I have said no it has always stopped whatever was happening.

So consent culture= good. I have established that. I also believe that different people have varying levels of what sort of consent they need to be able to give, and what consent they feel they need to ask for, before an encounter. And this can also be complicated by the situation you find yourself in. The sort of consent you need to ask for/ give is different at a play party with a stranger than it is with a longtime lover. Or in my case, a client, which adds a whole new complicated level. Understatement of this post: consent is very complicated. I believe most people haven't really thought much about how to ask/ give consent. Like I said, I didn't until very recently. It's very complicated, very important to discuss in your BDSM/ Sex Pos community, and very important to think about if you want to be a sexual/ kinky/ adult person. 

So there's nothing controversial about my opinion so far. At least mostly. I'm actually a little bit afraid to get into the part that I believe to be controversial, because I think it's not the most popular opinion of all time. But it is one that I think is important and maybe not talked about as much as it should be. It is difficult to speak up about, especially when you agree about how complex and important the issue of consent can be.

But you know what? A discussion of my consent is really just... not sexy to me. Interestingly enough, I am just as guilty of having a discussion about another person's consent over some sort of act. Especially with my clients. But there is nothing, nothing that turns me off more than someone asking if it's ok for them to fuck me now. Questions I never want to hear when I'm about to get down with someone are:

"What sort of barriers do we need to use? I'd like to finger you, if that's ok... should I get some gloves?"

"Are you OK?"

"Is what I'm doing alright/ feel good?"

"May I eat you out/ fuck you/ spank you now?"

Etc, etc.

And what bugs me is all the people out there who keep asserting that conversations like that are sexy. People act as though everyone wants to hear these types of questions during sex/ play. I really, really want to respect the fact that some people do like consent questions as part of their sex/ play. Some people find these questions sexy. But when I hear other people saying questions like that are sexy, it makes me feel like there's something wrong about me or my sexuality because I don't think they're sexy. Like I'm the problem; a victim who will continue to perpetuate violence and non-consensual sex for submissive people everywhere. It's a hard thing to come to terms with.

I have no problem talking about barriers or what I do or don't like sexually ahead of time. But when it's business time, I just want to be ravaged. Just take me and do what you will with me. I like to have my limits pushed, and I like to say no if something isn't going right for me. I hate to say it, but consent culture has made a lot of my lovers question whether or not they are just rape-happy monsters. Men specifically. And I don't think that was ever the point. I think the point was to discuss the whole situation openly and honestly. In my mind, this is not completely a male vs. female issue. We all take advantage without knowing that we're doing it, and we all have been taught some really stupid shit about how sex works from the society we were raised in. While my sexuality does tend to adhere to a feminine role, and I can see how men who are questioning their consent practices might feel like they need to ask me if everything is ok. But come on! Is it never ok for a woman to want a man to just have his way with her? Is that not a legitimate sexuality?

What I propose to deal with this situation is to have a pre-consent conversation consent conversation. Some people, such as myself, find it way sexier to talk about consent before anything is getting serious. It may seem like an intimidating thing to talk about on a first date, or with someone who you have met in a club. But you know what? Tough shit. I think that if you want to have sex with someone, you should ask them what their boundaries are waaaaaayyyy before sex is happening. Does this mean you can't ask a question if it comes up during sex? No. I still believe consent is a very important thing to have at all times, and if ever you're uncertain... it's better to ask. But their are sexier ways to ask. Seriously:

"Your tight little asshole is making me hard. I want to fuck that asshole."

Don't worry: to me a statement like that is not coercion. I would totally say "not tonight," at that point.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

How To Have A Skype Threeway

Web cam sex has always felt a little awkward to me. Despite my ability to write some pretty decent dirty talk, I have a hard time getting it out of my head in real life. My attempts at dirty talk IRL are often awkward because I just feel so silly saying things. Without dirty talk, web cam sex is just mutual masturbation. And don't get me wrong, I love mutual masturbation. Love. But when you can't touch the person on the other side of the screen it feels a little empty to me.

However. Have you ever tried having a threeway over Skype? If you're an exhibitionist or a voyeur I highly recommend both sides of the experience.

Step 1) Have a lover who is out of town often. In my case, it is my dear Zephyr, who is constantly out of town for one work related thing or another.

Step 2) Encourage your  lover to have sex with others while out of town. This is key. You can't be monogamous and you can't be those sorts of "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas," couples. They have to have sex with someone else while out of town, and you have to be willing to talk to them about it constantly. And get horny thinking about it.

Step 3) Get to know your lovers out of town lover a bit. I suppose this only works if the person your lover met lives in a place where you lover travels often, or who your lover falls in love with so that it makes sense for you to develop a relationship on them. And then a crush on them. In helps if you are bi/ pansexual like me. We shall call Zephyr's lover MPDG, for Manic Pixie Dream Girl (in the best kind of way, like me. Not a silly character who's only purpose in this plot is to inspire our hero and heroine to a greater sense of self through wacky adventures, but rather a girl who is just pretty awesome).

Step 4) When distance is getting you down, schedule a date to "talk" over Skype. Our first Skype date was with Zephyr and I in Colorado, and MPDG in her East Coast locale. After spending several weeks with Zephyr, she was missing him something fierce and also wanting to get to know me better.

Step 5) Awkwardly transition into having sex for the other person's amusement somehow. One thing you can do is just suddenly decide to put your bare ass right in the web cam's view. This cuts the tension of having the mostly unfamiliar face there when the sex begins, and makes it all about genitals.

Step 6) Try and do all the ridiculous sex positions and things you can think of to impress the other person. No one needs to get off here; this is a show!

Step 7) Have more Skype dates with your lover on the other side of the camera with their other lover. Now watch them do impressive things for your entertainment and play with yourself a little.

I have to admit that while I loved performing with Zephyr for MPDG, my favorite was actually watching Zephyr and MPDG together. It was like having my own porn that I could direct, though I didn't direct much. Plus, you know what one of the hottest things in the world is to me? Watching another woman get off with one of my lovers doing all the work. I know what it feels like, I can imagine what she's feeling. Seeing his fingers move in and out of her pussy was just... incredible.

Skype was definitely made for group sex. I wonder what it would be like to have all sorts of different scenarios- 2 people on each side; 3 people on 1 side and 1 on the other side; an orgy on 1 side; an orgy on each side; 2 lesbians on 1 side and 2 gay dudes on the other side. The possibilities are endless.