Monday, July 30, 2012

Sex Workin'

From the time I was very young, I always sort of knew it would end up here. But I spent way too many years denying it. I have been shamed into feeling guilt for what I really wanted to do with my life for too long. And I am finally beginning to break out of that shell of shame. To use a cheesy and obvious metaphor, if I may, I would call this shame a cocoon and myself a butterfly who has just hatched and emerged. Or maybe more a moth. A badass moth.

I know I have been saying on this blog for a while that I want to be in porn. Well, check, I've started that. And I want to have a vast porn empire of awesome, which I'm working on. But I also realized when I was in San Francisco, after talking to a group of sex workers who were very happy with their jobs, that I had been assuming that was impossible. All this propaganda in our society about how it wasn't glamorous work, how it was hard and risky and dangerous and scary. That had wormed it's way into my head and sort of sat there decaying all these years, and I thought I couldn't go there. I thought it was the work of desperate, uneducated people, even my logical and compassionate mind told me that wasn't true. Well, fuck all that.

When I am completely honest, I have always wanted to do this. Always. And I knew I would some day- I was just waiting for the right epiphany.

Sex workers can be happy. That's not to say it's always easy, in fact I think it's pretty hard. It's work, and all work is often hard. Sometimes things just call people; though, that's why they call it a "calling." This siren song has been haunting me ever since I learned that sex work existed.

So yes, I have decided to become an escort. I have already been seeing clients, and it has felt exactly as I thought it would. That's not to say all radical and super fun, either. Basically, I expected it to feel like work that I was very well suited to. And it has. But a lot of it has also been radical and super fun. It is such a good fit, and soon I will have a lot more time free to write in blogs, or just write in general, or to build that porn empire, or to see more friends and talk more deep thoughts. This feels really good. Really right.

Many of you may have questions or complaints about this. I understood that would also be a part of this decision. But all I ask of my friends and support network is that you think about what it must feel like to not be able to follow your dreams because society has deemed your dreams to be invalid, disgusting, uncouth. How it would be to try to stuff those down inside because you think you need to be better than your dreams. I am better than my dreams, by which I mean that my dreams are 100% better than society's impression of what those dreams might say about the type of person who has them. I envision a world where sex work is practiced in much the same way as other healing arts, and in which the artists who practice sex work are looked up to rather than down upon.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Dolores Park

It's been what- at least a month since I got back from San Francisco now. I shot some porn there, as some of you may have read. It went well and there was of course no reason for me to be anxious. No, it's not available yet. Don't worry, I'll figure that out and make sure you all know about it.

But I've let a whole month pass by without even writing about my magical time in Dolores Park. And I say magical because, full disclosure, I was stoned out of my fucking mind while there. One of the things that so impressed me about this park was the fact that there were just drug vendors. Like hot dog vendors, but with drugs. My friend and I bought a shit ton of weed cookies and I actually brought some back to Colorado with me (don't think too much about how I made that happen) and had part of one tonight. Which reminded me that I wanted to write about this!


This park is just full of people on a Saturday. It was as though we had traveled back in time to the late 60's or early 70's, only dirtier and less optimistic. There are drug vendors and people just chilling out with their dogs and hula hoopers and DJs with full-on PAs providing music and people of all genders making out (maybe even fucking in a bush? who knows) and kids and just so many people. Who are all there to relax or have fun and just not take life so seriously for a while. Really, really beautiful. If a little over-the-top and coachella-esque.

So I've had more cookie than I should have, even though I pretty much know what a good dose is for me I was just all BRING IT ON. Both of my friends take off to the bathroom leaving me overwhelmed and amazed (alarmed?) in the middle of this beautiful impromptu festival of life. Which is pretty much when I started to trip fairly hard, especially for weed. I tend to have a very psychedelic reaction, but this was out of the realm of normal reaction to pretty much anything for me ever.

Just as I'm starting to get a little misty eyed thinking about how wonderful it is that humanity can occasionally be pretty OK, 2 girls come out of no where, take their dresses off and start dancing topless in the middle of the park. And not hippie dance- though that would have been mind-blowing enough- but sort of amateur strip nite. They were both really good dancers, had really nice bodies and were undeniably sexy, but they didn't really seem like professionals. One had a mohawk and was dark skinned, probably black or mixed ethinicity. She was tall, lean and muscular. The other had a cute pixie cut, paler white skin and was shorter and curvier.

At that moment in time, I felt as though I had never seen something more purely and perfectly magnificent before. It was like watching art come to life and felt completely magical and other-worldly. I started to full on cry, tears rolling down my cheeks but at least not sobbing or otherwise calling attention to myself. I just couldn't believe what I was seeing, and that I was so lucky to witness it. I started to feel scared for them too, though, and knew that the moment could not continue.

It was over pretty quickly I think, though it felt like hours. My friends came back to find me tripping on some crazy hippie shit ideas, and told me I should go talk to the girls. But I was too shy, unlike some of the male witnesses. The girls started to attracted too many admirers, and people were talking to them and taking pictures. One guy came up and hugged them, which was more unsettling than sweet. At least for me in that state I was in.

Just as it felt like things were crossing over into unsafe and uncharted terriortory, the speakers blew and the music stopped playing. The girls laughed and bent over to fetch their dresses. Once again clothed, they blended into the crowd like forest nymphs into trees. The moment was, indeed, too magical to last.

We stumbled home and I was way too high to remain conscious. I masturbated furiously and then took a nap. When I awoke I had a very lovely all girl threeway with my friends. I got fisted for the 2nd time in my life by the same girl as the first time. I had lots of orgasms.

Though I really enjoyed shooting porn, I'd have to say that the Dolores Park adventure was much more awesome and life changing. Probably not a day I will soon forget.

Friday, July 6, 2012

What It's Like To Watch Porn For A Living

For some reason I completely forgot to post a link to this before now. I guess it was published what... a little over a month ago? Anyhow, I was the anonymous interview subject for this piece about what my job is like, and it's actually pretty close to verbatim what I said in the interview. Of course, you don't get to see the questions asked in order to understand why the narrative takes the direction that it does, because this is not what I would have said about my job were I to write this article. But it's interesting to see my job through the lens of somebody I told about it:

The 2nd and even more interesting thing about this article: look at the comments. There's some people who are like porn addiction is real! And some Jesus Nazi's of course. But it would appear from some of the comments that everyone read this as though it were a male identified individual who was the interview subject. At first I didn't actually think that she had not identified my gender- I figured people just skipped through the article and didn't notice. But then I reread it and noticed that she didn't.

I am uncertain as to whether I come off as male when I talk about my work, or whether people just assume that anyone who admits to liking porn must be male. Perhaps it is a combo of both. To me, though, it's pretty clear that there is some feminine energy going on from my statement here: "My favorite movies are girl-on-girl ones with girls who are really into each other. I like watching queer porn because they're doing things that haven't been done before — movies that feature trans people, or men who prefer a more submissive role, or just movies that feel more natural and less set-up. In general I like watching anything where it seems like the actors are friends and having fun." One of the commenters did seem to pick up on that, though she was careful to identify it as someone who was a feminist rather than assigning a gender.

Fascinating. Just fascinating.