I am excited to announce that tomorrow night I will be shooting my first ever porno scene. This post is going to be about all the feelings I have about this- I think you hear pretty often from people about their experience after they've done something like this, but you rarely hear about what they were feeling before from the perspective of the before. I mean you hear a lot of "oh, I was really nervous" yadda yadda from the other side, but you don't hear the "gah I'm really nervous and wish it was over with!"
First off, I feel almost ashamed to be nervous. I know that's ridiculous, it makes perfect sense that I am. Still, I have this sense that I should be manning up to it better. This is what I wanted. I love to do sexual performances, and I've done a ton of them. Just never on camera and never for this large a potential audience.
The plan is to shoot with Maggie & Ned Mayhem for their site, meetthemayhems.com. I met them both at OpenSF over the previous weekend, and they were so nice that now I have this fear that I will somehow really disappoint them. Knowing more about them now than I did when I originally contacted them, I realize they're kind of a big deal. And I can't imagine better people to shoot with for my first time. Basically I'm afraid that I will be so nervous that I will somehow freeze up and not properly emote or get into it somehow. This has always been the worst type of anxiety I deal with, the "fear of fear itself." And the best thing to do when I'm feeling this way is to put it out of my mind somehow, but I don't really have much else to think about. I'm staying with some friends in San Francisco, and it's my first time here. They're busy and have their own lives to lead, and I don't know much about this city or what I want to see. I don't have much to take my mind off of things.
So this is a really silly situation I have put myself in. Here I am, making all my dreams come true. Making porn with really sex positive activist types in the city that has long been sort of a sex positive activist hub, and I'm totally psyching myself out. And then telling myself it's normal and ok to have jitters. And then thinking too much about how I have jitters. BLAH!
So here is my mantra I'm going to keep telling myself about tomorrow. Here is how it's going to go. And even if it doesn't go this way, which it most certainly won't since nothing ever goes the way you plan it to, it will be ok. Because I am a fucking porno rockstar- I just haven't had my chance to prove it yet. But I know I will.
I am a fucking porno rockstar! I will walk into the place where we are filming this thing, and though I will be visibly nervous I will be all smiles. They will ask me how I'm doing and I will tell them the truth about being nervous, but I will also be all smiles and enthusiasm. This is an amazing opportunity that I am certain I won't fuck up because I love sex so much... how could I fuck it up? I love exhibitionism, I love having sex with new people, and I love having orgasms. Which I haven't had many of since no one here is having sex with me right now. I will negotiate a hot scene with them, one that is sure to push me ever so slightly farther than I imagined, because I like to push myself. I will own the camera, I will demand it's attention. I will look beautiful but more importantly I will ooze sexuality. I will bring my natural sexual charisma to the scene, that jes ne sais quoi that seems to attract so many people to me. I will enjoy myself. I will have fun. I will take everything these wonderful people have to offer me of their bodies and minds, and I will give back from me. I am confident, I know what I like, and I can use this power for good. I don't need to be modest about this.
I will be great.