Saturday, June 30, 2012

On Identity and Labels

This is so not an original sort of sex blog post. But that's OK. It seems like everyone has something to say about this lately, and that includes me.

If you've read any of this blog or know me at all, you will know that I identify simply as "sexual." For me this means that I not only find all genders/ gender identities attractive, but that I also find all sorts of sexual scenarios, ideas and expressions arousing. I have used the terms bisexual, pansexual and queer before, but none are accurate. Not only that, but they all have very specific and somewhat serious problems to me. Bisexual will often get you excluded from lesbian/ gay communities and will get your sexuality dismissed as "just a lark," or similar ideas. Pansexual will get you made fun of for being a hippie/ pagan/ LARPer, and doesn't really include the fact that people can be attracted not just to multiple genders but also multiple ideas or scenarios. Queer carries with it a heavy political aspect, and I have often found queer communities to be very dismissive of heterosexual sex and heteronormative behaviors. I love heterosexual sex! And while I feel heteronormativity can be very damaging, I also find a certain amount of comfort in a heteronormative space. Also, while non-monogamy/ polyamory can fit well with all of those identities, none of them are explicitly non-monogamous. Non-monogamy is also a very important component of my sexuality, and my most recent revelation and cause.

I want to talk about how these labels and identities divide us rather than bring us together. I understand how they can be used to great effect as a shorthand for describing yourself to others. Or for finding like-minded individuals. Or for forming community around a cause. All of these things are, at their base level, positive and affirming. For so long people who's sexualities have fallen out of the realm of "normal" have felt shunned by society. Heteronormativity has been extremely damaging to our culture. So many have suffered terrible trauma and pain based on what they find attractive and sexually arousing. I have suffered it as well, and I get that.

Here's the rub: as someone who straddles the line of enjoying all sorts of sex and sexuality, I have suffered trauma and pain from both sides. Shockingly, the most direct ridicule I have received has been from people who identify as queer or lesbian (because I am female I believe). While I have received mostly indirect ridicule from a television pundit or republican senator for my less heterosexual interests. Queer people have ridiculed me for enjoying penetration with a cock attached to someone who was born male. Lesbians have ridiculed me for enjoying a threesome with a man and a woman, or for simply going home to a man after fucking a girl. I have been excluded from spaces for not being queer enough. I have had people repeatedly remind me that I am not bisexual because I admittedly prefer relationships with men. I have had women break up with me for liking their husband better than them. OK, well that last one is probably fair, but it still hurt.

I feel like I constantly have to remind folks that in order to be truly sex-positive you have to believe that there is absolutely nothing wrong with anyone's sexual identification or interests, as long as everything is consensual. For someone who has had their sexuality oppressed and ridiculed and sometimes even prosecuted, it seems obvious to me that respect for others sexualities would come naturally.

Go ahead, say it. After all the oppression that gay, lesbian, trans and queer people have had to deal with for so long, we have every right to feel the way we do about heterosexuality or other similar, patriarchal, heteronormative, etc. practices. Well, I disagree. Everyone deserves respect. Everyone deserves inclusion. Everyone deserves a chance to share, learn and grow together. I truly, passionately believe that the only way to a more sexually positive, accepting and open society is to never exclude, oppress, ridicule or other anyone. No matter how much of a douchebag they are.

Of course, I aim for a society where sexual identification becomes obsolete, and that is where all of this comes from. I understand how dismissive that might seem to many who's identities are so very important to them. Even though it may not sound it, my identities are actually very important to me. But only when we can let go of them, lose assumptions surrounding them and just love who we love and fuck who we fuck... I believe that is when we will really be free of sex-negative tyranny.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

My Friend Mary Jane

Weed makes me horny. And I'm not just talking about a little boost to the libido; I basically can't stop thinking about sex as soon as I take a hit. If I do masturbate or have sex, I basically can't help myself from orgasming continually. It makes me much more interested in it, and interested in doing it for a longer time. It. Is. Awesome.

I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (acronymed to PCOS for the rest of this post) about 6 months ago. Not much is known about PCOS, but my doctor had recently read an article about how sugar and a (in this case mine) body's inability to process it can be connected to PCOS. My period's were irregular, and I wanted a natural remedy to that issue because I had been taking birth control to try and deal with it for too long. So, though it wasn't guaranteed to work I tried to cut sugar from my diet almost completely. One thing that has a lot of sugar in it is alcohol, so I stopped drinking because there were many ways I was not enjoying myself with alcohol anyway.

After about 6 weeks of feeling pretty stressed out (coming off of sugar can be really mentally and physically difficult- it is a highly addictive substance), and not being able to eat cake or cookies or even a slice of white bread and definitely not as much wine as I needed to get drunk, I decided that I deserved another type of stress relief. I expressed this to a friend of mine who is a regular smoked, and he surprised me with a couple of lovely buds for my birthday. I began trying smoking it anytime I wanted to relax after work or social engagements, and now here I am. I smoke it pretty much every night after work.

And it. Is. AWESOME.

My life hasn't gone to hell at all and I'm pretty much 100% more relaxed and happy all the time now, so I think I totally believe that all the anti-marijuana propaganda they try to shove down your throat really was BS the whole time. I'm sure it can cause some very serious problems for some people, blah blah blah. Whatever, I think it's great for me. It is here to stay.

I'm not really sure what it does to my lady parts, but whatever it is I can't complain. I figure it must be a little like viagra in some ways- it feels to me like maybe it increases blood flow to the area, or just increases it overall? Every sensation is much more pure and intense. Every thought is much more dirty. I crave touch and to be touched, I crave to lay back and luxuriate in my pleasure, I crave to give my lover more pleasure than they gave me.

What I really don't understand is : why isn't everyone talking about this all the time? I know weed doesn't make everyone horny, but I know it makes other people super horny. Why aren't they writing about it in their sex blogs? Why aren't they telling other people to try it for libido? Why aren't doctors prescribing it like viagra? Well, that's a more complicated question ;)

Or does it really just make me more horny than everyone else?

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The Night Before

I am excited to announce that tomorrow night I will be shooting my first ever porno scene. This post is going to be about all the feelings I have about this- I think you hear pretty often from people about their experience after they've done something like this, but you rarely hear about what they were feeling before from the perspective of the before. I mean you hear a lot of "oh, I was really nervous" yadda yadda from the other side, but you don't hear the "gah I'm really nervous and wish it was over with!"

First off, I feel almost ashamed to be nervous. I know that's ridiculous, it makes perfect sense that I am. Still, I have this sense that I should be manning up to it better. This is what I wanted. I love to do sexual performances, and I've done a ton of them. Just never on camera and never for this large a potential audience.

The plan is to shoot with Maggie & Ned Mayhem for their site, meetthemayhems.com. I met them both at OpenSF over the previous weekend, and they were so nice that now I have this fear that I will somehow really disappoint them. Knowing more about them now than I did when I originally contacted them, I realize they're kind of a big deal. And I can't imagine better people to shoot with for my first time. Basically I'm afraid that I will be so nervous that I will somehow freeze up and not properly emote or get into it somehow. This has always been the worst type of anxiety I deal with, the "fear of fear itself." And the best thing to do when I'm feeling this way is to put it out of my mind somehow, but I don't really have much else to think about. I'm staying with some friends in San Francisco, and it's my first time here. They're busy and have their own lives to lead, and I don't know much about this city or what I want to see. I don't have much to take my mind off of things.

So this is a really silly situation I have put myself in. Here I am, making all my dreams come true. Making porn with really sex positive activist types in the city that has long been sort of a sex positive activist hub, and I'm totally psyching myself out. And then telling myself it's normal and ok to have jitters. And then thinking too much about how I have jitters. BLAH!

So here is my mantra I'm going to keep telling myself about tomorrow. Here is how it's going to go. And even if it doesn't go this way, which it most certainly won't since nothing ever goes the way you plan it to, it will be ok. Because I am a fucking porno rockstar- I just haven't had my chance to prove it yet. But I know I will.

I am a fucking porno rockstar! I will walk into the place where we are filming this thing, and though I will be visibly nervous I will be all smiles. They will ask me how I'm doing and I will tell them the truth about being nervous, but I will also be all smiles and enthusiasm. This is an amazing opportunity that I am certain I won't fuck up because I love sex so much... how could I fuck it up? I love exhibitionism, I love having sex with new people, and I love having orgasms. Which I haven't had many of since no one here is having sex with me right now. I will negotiate a hot scene with them, one that is sure to push me ever so slightly farther than I imagined, because I like to push myself. I will own the camera, I will demand it's attention. I will look beautiful but more importantly I will ooze sexuality. I will bring my natural sexual charisma to the scene, that jes ne sais quoi that seems to attract so many people to me. I will enjoy myself. I will have fun. I will take everything these wonderful people have to offer me of their bodies and minds, and I will give back from me. I am confident, I know what I like, and I can use this power for good. I don't need to be modest about this.

I will be great.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Procrastination

UPDATE: I completely forgot to link to a post I wrote for dodson and ross when I originally wrote this about owning your nude presence on the Internet. I think it's an important issue, don't you? Here is a link to that. http://www.dodsonandross.com/blogs/carlisleorama/2012/05/everyone-should-own-their-personal-expression-sexuality

I have so many things I've been putting off writing about and haven't written and now I'm sick and don't feel like writing about anything right now. But a few things are very worthy of note, and I feel they should be mentioned. Hopefully I won't forget about all the great things I wanted to write about later.

First, my partner launched his sex toy line yesterday and we all had an outrageous party because 4 people actually bought one! Please go check it out and consider buying one if you like sex toys, it's really an awesome one (trust me, I can be hard to please) doctorxtreme.com

Second, I have been meaning to post sexy pictures of my vagina here for a while, and now I finally have some. So here they are!

And also, here's a picture that isn't of my vagina, but that I just really like




I decided recently that I'm actually going to become a porn star, so uh.... if you actually shoot porn and want to shoot with me then let me know.

Yes I'm serious.