Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Scenes Lacking Sex

I'll admit it. I'm pretty obsessed with sex, in case you couldn't tell. I view the world through a lens of sexuality. I wear pussy colored glasses. So this post might be going a bad place because it has to do with something I don't really understand. It's not that I don't want to understand it, I've just never had explained to me in any way that makes any sense to me at all. So maybe someone will educate me after this little post goes down.

But what is the deal with the lack of sex in public BDSM scenes? OK, I'm sure there can be a lot of factors. Maybe the sexual moments are the ones that most people like to share in private (not me, but I know most people aren't like that). Maybe a lot of people who do BDSM aren't actually into sex. Maybe they define sex differently than me. I know all of these things are true, but that doesn't help me actually understand these things any better.

I have heard numerous times after a scene I did involving sex that it was really hot and people wish they saw that more in BDSM clubs. I have also been shunned for having sex in BDSM clubs. I have been asked to tone sexuality down. So really, I'm just confused here. So y'all want to see some sex, or don't you?

In times when my paranoia is getting the better of me, the shunning can make me feel as though people don't really view me as a "real" member of the community. I don't like a lot of pain or discomfort in my scenes. I like sensual domination, not mean domination. Really, I just like to come up with complicated and beautiful scenarios in which to have sex in. This makes me feel like a bit of an outcast from the rest of the community, because I get the sense that many of the other members of (at least the local) BDSM community really are in it for pain. Or humiliation. Or head games. And all those things are great, and I want everyone to be doing them if that's their thing. But why do I feel as though there isn't space for my thing within this community? Is it really just paranoia? Or is it true that having sex in a public BDSM scene is just a little weird?

This is one of those blog posts that I just feel went nowhere. But I wanted to say something. Maybe I will be able to articulate this better in the future


  1. Personally, I would never say I've been really into BDSM except some girlfriends who liked the domination, which I was happy to provide but wouldn't normally on my own. But I think you raise some good points from what I have seen of that realm. I've heard about many dominatrices who never get actually sexual with their clients and that baffles me. So maybe it isn't really fully sexual, but it's kind of forbidden so gets lumped in with sexuality because it's the most similar thing. But I'm totally with you (not being so much a bdsm guy) If you're going to lump it together, incorporate the fuckin' :)

  2. Okay. I've been meaning to comment on this for awhile, and then even told you about how I was totally planning on commenting on it. And now I finally am. Hi!

    -The BDSM community isn't a monolith, any more than the poly community or any other community is. There isn't any one viewpoint, or stance, or whatever, that every member adheres too, other than something really, really broad- "I am into one or several of the letters in BDSM" for the BDSM community or "I am into relationships that aren't strictly platonic with multiple people" for the poly community. And even *then* you can probably find some exceptions to those generalizations. So trying to pin down any one factor for the lack of sex in BDSM spaces is never going to work.

    -Some BDSMers *are* much more comfortable having their play without sex. It might be because they're just plain less interested in genitals (me), or because they do lots of casual play with people they aren't necessarily interested in/ready to get involved with sexually. Or because they've gotten used to sex not occurring in that context and take it for granted, then get thrown off when it *does* occur. On the other hand, I've also heard BDSMers lamenting the false division between sex and BDSM play. It sounds like you've also encountered this range of experiences and perceptions.

    -We'd hit on some more specific details in gchat, but I think it's worth posting publicly too. Many BDSM spaces just aren't set up especially well for sex. The furniture is geared toward beatin', but not necessarily toward fuckin'. It's subtle, but I think it does have a discouraging effect. For those that prefer to have their sex a little lower visibility (ie, I used to do BDSM play in more public spaces then duck into the back rooms to have sex), there aren't voyeur-free zones for play or sex. In combination, these traits set a tone of sex being a bit of a rarity in certain spaces.

    So those are some general thoughts. I've also seen local communities being HUGELY influential on themselves. So if you just go out and do your thing, *you* will begin influencing the community over time. And one day you'll wake up and realize that the thing you do that used to be a rarity isn't so uncommon any more.

  3. I'm gonna influence the shit out of this community! but hopefully not literally. Unless that's it's thing, in which case I am ok with that and even willing to experiment.