Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Masturbation Solves All

Not gonna lie: today was an especially stressful day. I went to this kink event over the weekend that shall, at this point, go unnamed (but I'm sure of you in the "know" will know which one I'm talking about). For me, it was an overwhelmingly positive experience. But so much drama has flared up around it that it sort of taints my experience. All I ever want is for everyone to fucking hold hands and sing Kumbaya.

That isn't really what was stressful though. The real thing I'm avoiding talking about is my job and how everyone has a heart attack any time the most minor of mistakes is made. What happens is that a client yells at someone, then that someone yells at my bosses boss, who yells at my boss, who then yells at me. And then it stops at me because there's no one lower than me to yell at. It happens once every few months, and it fucking sucks. I just don't even know how to describe how humiliated and demoralizing it is to be yelled at by these people. Though I'm sure many of you know exactly the feeling I can't even describe.

And then, I masturbated. I was too emotionally raw to have sex with anyone else, or even really talk intelligibly to someone (I tried to talk to Dr. Bigglesworth on the phone, as he is in Boston, but I was just an ass even though I wasn't trying to be). So I watched some porn and got off. Got off really fast and really, really good.

I think about the chain of bosses above me, and I wonder if any of them masturbated tonight to try and alleviate some of the stress from today. I'm fairly cynical, so I think they probably didn't. I want to blame all of their stress on the lack of self-love in their lives. I can't imagine these old guys doing anything but falling asleep next to their wives at 9pm, while their wives sigh because they're husbands are snoring before they ever even had a chance to fall asleep first. I am convinced that sex never crossed anybody's mind. And we all know that old monogamous couples aren't allowed to masturbate alone in the shower in the morning because it's cheating.

Why haven't I quit my job and become a sex worker already?

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Scenes Lacking Sex

I'll admit it. I'm pretty obsessed with sex, in case you couldn't tell. I view the world through a lens of sexuality. I wear pussy colored glasses. So this post might be going a bad place because it has to do with something I don't really understand. It's not that I don't want to understand it, I've just never had explained to me in any way that makes any sense to me at all. So maybe someone will educate me after this little post goes down.

But what is the deal with the lack of sex in public BDSM scenes? OK, I'm sure there can be a lot of factors. Maybe the sexual moments are the ones that most people like to share in private (not me, but I know most people aren't like that). Maybe a lot of people who do BDSM aren't actually into sex. Maybe they define sex differently than me. I know all of these things are true, but that doesn't help me actually understand these things any better.

I have heard numerous times after a scene I did involving sex that it was really hot and people wish they saw that more in BDSM clubs. I have also been shunned for having sex in BDSM clubs. I have been asked to tone sexuality down. So really, I'm just confused here. So y'all want to see some sex, or don't you?

In times when my paranoia is getting the better of me, the shunning can make me feel as though people don't really view me as a "real" member of the community. I don't like a lot of pain or discomfort in my scenes. I like sensual domination, not mean domination. Really, I just like to come up with complicated and beautiful scenarios in which to have sex in. This makes me feel like a bit of an outcast from the rest of the community, because I get the sense that many of the other members of (at least the local) BDSM community really are in it for pain. Or humiliation. Or head games. And all those things are great, and I want everyone to be doing them if that's their thing. But why do I feel as though there isn't space for my thing within this community? Is it really just paranoia? Or is it true that having sex in a public BDSM scene is just a little weird?

This is one of those blog posts that I just feel went nowhere. But I wanted to say something. Maybe I will be able to articulate this better in the future