Sunday, December 30, 2012

the Celebrity Vagina Paradox

One of my few guilty pleasures (as in I actually feel pretty guilty about it) is celebrity gossip on the Internet. This is not a plug for this site, because I think it's disgusting* but I frequently read a blog called The Superficial. This blog is just about the rudest, most misogynistic piece of crap... and kind of funny sometimes. I just got addicted to it when I started desk jockeying and still can't stop myself from looking at it on an almost daily business, even now that I don't have a "real job."

One of the weirdest double standards I've seen thrown at female celebrities, not only by this blog but by pretty much any entertainment "news" source, is something that I will called the Celebrity Vagina Paradox (this is just a working title, so don't make fun of me for this not being the correct usage of paradox, or vagina, or whatever). We live in a world where women, and yes occasionally even celebrity women, will go commando under a nice piece of evening wear in order to avoid panty lines. Or perhaps they just go commando because they like it. WHO GIVES A SHIT? Now, even more occasionally, a paparazzo will snap a shot female celebrity who has gone commando in an undignified moment getting out of a limo or whatnot, flashing her nether bits for the whole world to see for several seconds. The horror, the shame, think of the children, etc etc ensues. All over one little shot of beaver that's even more ambiguous looking than Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. "Are those pussy lips or just tan panties?" We often find ourselves asking as we dissect these voyeuristic tidbits of possible vagina.

This happened to Anne Hathaway recently, and when everyone felt it appropriate to post the photo, dissect it (it's pretty much just a picture of her pubic mound, I will point out, and not her vagina or genitals at all) and talk about how embarrassed she should be, Anne was embarrassed (here's a post on it on Perez Hilton to illustrate my point). Which is too bad (I hate when people are embarrassed to have a vagina), but I have some sympathy for her. She also stated that she felt saddened that we live in a culture where someone catches another person in a vulnerable moment, and doesn't just delete the picture. And that our culture commoditizes (this may or may not be a word) the sexuality of someone who isn't consenting to it. Guess what, Anne Hathaway? I totally agree with you.

However, I am also in the business of commoditizing my sexuality, so I can't help but feel that an opportunity is being missed by all the female, and even male, celebrities with photography stalkers. A chance to make a real political statement not only about privacy but also about shame and sex-positivity. Anne Hathaway, you should make this idea a reality. Although I can't help but feel like this is really more of a Rihanna move.

Why not, the next time you're hanging out in on your private property and you notice some asshole taking pictures of you... why not just masturbate? Or better yet, grab someone and fuck them. Or a group of people. Even better if everyone involved is a celebrity. Make sure to really put on as much of a show as you can. Cheat toward the camera. Wink at the camera. Flip the fucker off! Hold up a sign asking people to support your favorite charity.

Frankly, I'm shocked that a celebrity hasn't thought of this yet. Sometimes I imagine myself as a celebrity, and I being interviewed by Conan O'Brien because really he's the only one of those jokers I do an interview for. Though I know I wouldn't actually have a choice (but remember, this is my fantasy world, so I do have a choice in fantasy world!). I imagine Conan asking me all the hard questions about being caught in this awkward moment (I think that's the wording he would use), and I would calmly and rationally explain the pure and simple fact that I am not to blame for unleashing these images upon the world, but actually it's the fault of the asshat who took pictures of me on my private property during a private orgy moment. And then, to top it all off, I would calmly and rationally explain that orgies are nothing to be ashamed of. Especially when they're with the like of Anne Hathaway, Rihanna, Johnny Depp and Rutger Hauer (my celebrity orgy dream team).

Once again, I have solved the big issues facing America today. I should win a Noble Prize.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Dry Cleaning (Humping)

Lately I have been plagued by random fantasies about a former boss of mine. They sort of came out of nowhere, though I believe I may have had a bit of a wet dream about him a week or so ago. I will admit that he was an extremely attractive man, and I definitely had fantasies about him when I worked for him.

When I was about 23 or 24 years old, I had given up all hope on ever having a job I might actually enjoy. Then a spunky young Christian couple gave me a chance and hired me to work the front desk and do a few quick and simple alterations at their dry cleaning business. It was a discount cleaners, and thus very busy. They always had at least 2 front desk employees scheduled at once, and sometimes one of them would join as a 3rd front desk person during the big rushes. He worked most weekday mornings and all day on Saturdays, as did I. In fact, now that I think about it, I think he and I may have had the same schedule (only he worked less hours than me because he owned the place, of course).

In retrospect, I'm pretty sure he was the one who made the hiring decision. And that he chose to hire me because he thought I was cute. He often flirted with me in a very sort of innocent, Christian way. I also remember it sometimes being not so innocent, but I can't actually remember anything he did or said specifically. I do remember that his wife seemed a lot more prude than he did, and sometimes he even seemed a little flamboyant and possibly gay. Gay guys have always loved flirting with me, after all.

That was definitely one of the best jobs I ever had. These people were really into running their business well and being upstanding members of the local community. While they definitely had crazy conservative values about economics, they were strangely socialist in the way they treated their employees. We all wore cute little matching uniforms that they purchased for us and cleaned for free for us. In fact, we could get as many clothes cleaned for free there as we wanted. I asked for a raise once and they not only gave it to me, but encouraged me to always ask for raises if I felt I was being under payed. It's not like they went overboard or anything- the wage was only a few bucks above minimum wage, we didn't have healthcare, nothing like that- but it was a very relaxed and decent place to work. My favorite part about working there was that they knew my politics and still asked me what I thought about things, and still respected my viewpoints. I had a gay roommate at the time and they invited him to all the workplace parties even though they didn't approve of his/ our lifestyle. They even put up with a fair amount of me poking fun at them for being so repressed and traditional.

However, I'm pretty sure if I went in there now and said something like "you know, you guys really inspired me when it comes to running a small business. What business am I in? Oh, I'm a sex worker! Isn't that perfect for me?" They'd be just appalled. Offended and saddened and appalled. Too bad for them, yes, but it's just how they are. Or at least how they were.

All of that background is just to set up my plan for you. Yes, I have a plan. A plan with which I will likely not follow through with because it is at least 99% likely that it will go very bad. But if it went right, it would be legendary.

I would like to go in there some day soon with a few items to get cleaned.* It's really too bad that I'm not a morning person, because a weekday morning might be the perfect time to catch him alone. He used to open the place and be there alone from 6-7am some mornings. If I can't get in there that early- and let's just be honest, I won't- then I will try to go in some day before noon. He will (hopefully) recognize me and welcome me, taking in my clothes himself. Of course he'll ask me what I've been up to since last he saw me because it's been almost 5 years now. I will tell him that I'm self-employed now, you could even say I own my own small business. This will be very exciting to him because he loves business! He'll want more details and I'll tell him it's probably not something he would approve of. This will catch his interest, but he may no better than to ask me to tell him anyway and just let it drop. It might all end there, perhaps he'll flirt with me a bit but I'll be on my way with my discount ticket for pick-up the next day.

If it doesn't end there and he insists on know, I say I will tell him but he has to agree to come have lunch with me, or just go in his office if he doesn't have time, because it's something I need to be discreet about. Again, this gives him another opportunity to opt out. But if I get him alone (that's actually pretty chancy as well, he may not even be there or his wife might be there working with him), I will tell him the whole deal. I will even give him a card that will lead him straight to this blog. And, now that I think of it... straight to this entry! But I might delete it before he ever gets a chance to look it up. He will be shocked, appalled, offended, saddened, and I will no longer get a friend discount. At least not without a lecture about my life choices.

Or, he will be aroused. He will think about how his wife hasn't been satisfying lately, how the kids have been so demanding, how he's worked so hard to earn all his money and it's been so stressful. There's a small, a very tiny chance he may ask about my rates.

What will I say, "Oh, R___, I wouldn't charge you to spend time with me. I would love to have a date with you. I've always thought you were hot."

And bam! It's on. The chance that something like this could actually happen is what's turning me on. Of course it never would, but what if it did? It would be like a friggin' porno! Legendary.

R___, if you're reading this and you like where it's going, you know how to get in touch. If you're reading this and it's not turning you on, then I am so, so sorry. I am only a woman. I have needs.

*Footnote: I actually began thinking about him again even before the wet dream, though not in as much of a sexual way as the wet dream brought out. I have been getting a lot of dry cleaning done lately since I try to dress nice for my appointments and such. It's so expensive! I have been wanting to go back there so that I could get cheaper cleaning- like I said it's already a discount cleaners, and I have a lifetime friend discount. One that I am likely to lose if I go in there and come on to him. It's in a Denver suburb though, at least 20 minutes away from where I live now. That's the only thing that's been stopping me. And fear that I will actually follow through with this plan.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012


Have you ever seen this show, Cheaters? It would be impossible for me to hate a show anymore than I hate that show, and yet I am drawn to it like mosquito to a citronella candle (does that happen to anyone else? Weird analogy?). I often find myself watching it when I have a hotel room all to myself and it's some ungodly hour of the morning. The purpose of this show seems to be to embarrass, shame, ridicule and pass judgment on those who cheat, which actually seems to be America's favorite pastime lately. It's as though those who cheat are actual demons. Evil, selfish, cruel incubi/ sucubi sent from hell by Satan himself to torment poor, innocent Robert Pattinson. Oh yes, I'm sure someone as good looking and young as him has never even thought about cheating on his one true love.

The polyamory community, as I have experienced it, seems to have a pretty similar stance to cheating as the monogamous community. However, while the monogamy community tends to focus on the betrayal of sharing intimacy with another just as much as the betrayal of the lies, the poly community is very much focused on the lying. This is because polyamorous people like to think of themselves as being super honest and communicative people, and polyamorous people are- unfortunately- just as capable of throwing stones. Add this to the list of reasons why I am not always comfortable identifying as poly; it gives people the impression that I feel I have some sort of moral high-ground over them just because I conduct my sexual and romantic affairs honestly.

Would you like to know why I conduct my sexual and romantic affairs honestly? It's because I'm a terrible liar. But I have been known to tell a little white lie here or there, or not tell people the full story. I am human, as we all are.

If you are like me and you assume that monogamy is impossible and that it is natural to lie to those you love (though perhaps not preferable), then cheating becomes the natural conclusion. I am just so tired of hearing this bullshit little story everyone tells themselves about fidelity and how they would never cheat and how people who do cheat are bad, no good people. You never know what you will do until you are presented with any particular situation. And you can't judge someone for making the choices they made unless you have experienced that situation as they have experienced it.

Sure, there are a lot of shitty, even evil, selfish and cruel reasons for someone to cheat. But those are probably the reasons you will get when you hear the story from the perspective of the person who has been cheated on. Ask the cheater their reasoning, and the story often changes. I don't want to blame people who can't or won't have the type of sex their partner wants to have for their partner cheating on them... but the cheating partner should never take all of the blame, either.

I believe cheating is an unfortunate side effect of a massively sexually repressed culture. In fact, I believe that due to the repression we all experience surrounding sex, many people cheat just because lying about sex is such a goddamn turn-on. There are also people who just don't know any better because they were never told they can ask a partner's permission for sex outside the relationship, and the partner may say yes. And there are people who are told that if they were to say yes to a partner's request for sex outside the relationship, they will be ridiculed or questioned for being OK with it. To go back to our friend R. Pattz, for example, think of all the public ridicule and questioning he must now endure for having taken his cheating whore of a girlfriend back. There are very few scripts in our society for anything but cheating, but at least the cheating script is familiar to all of us.

Well, I'm breaking out of character on this one at least. I won't say that I necessarily support a cheater in every situation, but you know what I do support? Sexual freedom and autonomy. Everyone gets to make up their own mind about how they seek pleasure, and not a one of us is in a good position to pass judgment on that.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Sex: The Ultimate Ice Breaker

As some of you know, I am married. For those of you just tuning in, we're poly, it's all good. We quite enjoy having sex with other people and then talking about it. We also enjoy loving relationships with other people. There are many types of love out there! And the love I share with my husband is a unique treasure that I don't share with anyone else. Blah blah blah, cheese cheese and all that.

On our first date we went for a hike that was almost immediately interrupted by thunder and a park ranger telling us to get down from the mountain. I liked him immediately because he was cute, cuter than his pictures online (yes, we met on OKcupid, deal with it), and because he kept complimenting me. As we head back down the mountain, we stopped to take in the view from only slightly above Boulder, and he brushed my arm and asked about my tattoo. Classic moves, and though I knew they were moves they worked.

He took me to the ice cream parlor near his apartment and then back to his apartment. We spent an hour or two just talking, and our intellectual chemistry was ever present. Intellectual chemistry often leads to physical for me, and so it only made sense that after all that good conversation we would just have to fuck. I had just gone through a long string of casual hook-ups that led to nothing, so I was expecting to never hear from him again. But I did, and now we've been together almost 6 years.

Often, people are surprised when I tell them I'm still with a man who I slept with on the first date. Which, to me, is shocking. Why wouldn't you have sex on the first date? Especially when things are going that well? Or perhaps... especially when things are awkward, and you don't know how to move the date forward? Or if you want to know what they're like in bed... you think they're boring but like their body or looks... you think you have no future together or lots of future together... why not? There are so many reasons to fuck someone the very first time you can get some one on one time with them. In my opinion, it is absolutely the best way to get to know someone better.

I think for me it's all about clearing up that business so you can move on to other things. Not that sex isn't a great thing to "move on to"- but if I'm on a first date with someone and I like them well enough to fuck them, it's best to just get that out of the way asap. a) Because I like fucking and want to have sex with almost everyone, and b) because then I share something intimate with them. It puts me at ease for the next time I meet them, or if I never meet them again at least I know I got to share that moment with them. If I don't get around to sex on a first date and then wait until the second, I'm still trying to be all impressive and wondering if it's going to happen and it just makes me uncomfortable.

Ultimately, my mind is completely sex focused. Not in a horny, constant clit-hard-on, can't think straight sort of way. It's all about psychology and wanting to know people better, really find out what makes them tick. It's emotional because I feel more intrinsically connected to all the people with whom I have shared sexuality. Even if I don't ever have "sex" in the traditional sense with someone, I still want our minds to fuck; I want to talk to everyone about sex, and understand their feelings and thoughts on it. Sex is the place from which I operate. The zone I inhabit.

I knew my now-husband would call me again after we fucked that first time, even though I asked him before I left just to be sure. But I knew he wasn't lying when he said he would call me. I knew because when we fucked, our souls (or whatever you might want to call the phenomena) communicated. I feel a communication like that with everyone I have sex with. Some souls will call me, others will not. But I always know where I am with someone after we have communicated on that level.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

A Nice Warm Bath

When I was a kid I was put in the remedial reading group because it took me forever to learn to read, and once I finally did learn I was way behind. I didn't learn how to tie my shoes until I was 8, and I didn't learn how to ride a bike until I was 10. I only recently figured out how to put apply and I am now 31. However, my first memories of masturbating to orgasm were when I was around 7, which some would say was sexually precocious. I suspect that I was masturbating before that and just don't remember it. I always hated masturbating in the bath, though, which I have heard is popular amongst many women. Especially those who like to use faucets.

I actually masturbated through my underwear until I was in my late teens and finally got brave enough to touch my pussy (some of you may remember the cucumber story- I was actually trying to stuff things in my pussy before I could touch it without my underwear on. I'm not sure why that was). Then I mostly used my hand with the occasional incorporation of a dildo, until I was about 25 and realized I could get myself to squirt easily with a vibrator, at which point I became addicted to vibration. Now I frequently use a vibrator, occasionally my hand and frequently incorporate several different dildos and plugs for all the different types of penetration I crave. Today I figured I would try using my waterproof vibrator in the bath and see if I could actually get off in the bath for the first time ever, and then proceeded to get off 3 times under 4 minutes (I know because I was listening to a song that is about 4 minutes long, this one for anyone who is curious Bat For Lashes Winter Fields). It was, as you might imagine, a magical experience. It's interesting to me how we subtly change our techniques for getting off over time, and I wouldn't be surprised if I rush of to take a bath and cum more and more often now.

I tilted my pelvis up so that my clit was out of the water, but much of my vulva and my hole were under water. Thrusting rhythmically into the vibrator (this is what I use all the time, btw. Highly recommended ladies Jimmy Jane Form 2), my pussy began to clench and relax and I had the most wonderful sensation of warm water going in and out of me. I tried getting my clit wet with the warm water as well and then felt the warm water bounce around on it when I applied the vibrator again. I may not cum from warm water from a faucet, but vibrating warm water is in entirely different thing. It drove me wild and was so intense that I had to stop cumming just as soon as I had started. Which was why I went for 2 more rounds, both of which I also had to stop right away.

So, who wants to take a bath with me?

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

My Biggest Fear

NaNoWriMo starts again in just about 24 hours and I have no idea if I'm going to do it. I have a very good idea for a story, but I have the worst writers block right now. By this I don't mean that I'm not writing; I'm actually writing quite a bit more than I had been before I went rogue. It just feels like everything I write falls flat compared to my expectations for it, and this makes writing less fun than it used to be. Perhaps this is an uncomfortable growth spurt as my style becomes more badass? I certainly hope so. But I think it might be a pretty bad sign when I put a self-reflective piece about writing on my freaking sex blog. Isn't this supposed to be about sex?

This is sort of about sex, because my biggest fear is that I spend the entire bulk of my creative energy on all the sex I have. Which is such a terrible problem to have, I know.

I don't know how to have less sex, it's like all my ideas involve just having more and more and more sex. But when I look back on my writing career, some of my best work was done during sexual dry spells. This blog being the exception, if I may be so bold as to call this a good body of work. Some of it is good.

Part of me wishes I could just take a month off and see where my novel goes. Let me tell you though, I would really, really miss fucking.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

My Non-Monogamy Is Better Than Your Non-Monogamy!

There are too many different definitions, labels and variations for non-monogamous relationships. Off the top of my head I can think of open (relationship), swinger(s), monogam-ish, polyamorous, non-monogamous, relationship radical, married but not narrow, serial dater, and dating around. So, we can all acknowledge that we do this differently, right? And it's really OK for everyone to do everything differently. My way of doing this works for me, but it may not work for everyone right? Yadda yadda. I agree with all that in principle.

But you know what? I can't help but feel like my type of non-monogamy really is better than yours. If I'm being honest. I'm pretty happy in all my relationships. I experience very little jealousy. People ask me for advice. It's hard not to feel like I have something figured out here.

Since I'm feeling so superior tonight, I figured I would share the rules to complete relationship anarchy with y'all. Please remember that as I write this I am completely full of shit. My relationships are not perfect. All I can say is that I find them to be very fulfilling, and that I find non-monogamy to be the only relationship path available to me and this is why I choose it.

Rule 1: Lower Expectations
Let go of all your romantic fantasies about finding your one true love. Romantic comedies have truly been an act of terror against our relationships because they have given us a ridiculous way to model our expectations for relationships. Up until this point you may have been believing that your soulmate lives out there somewhere and a series of chance meetings and awkward flirtations will lead you into a dysfunctional relationship that you will need to break from until one of you admits you were wrong to the other, at which point you will make up, get married and live happily ever after with each others lovable personality quirks. If you just stop to think about it, it's completely ridiculous to think that your love life will turn out that way. Not only is it unlikely, but that sort of outcome is seems sort of undesirable, doesn't it? You want to live with, be best friends with, have sex with the same person for 30-60 years? They better be a fucking awesome person. And remain the same awesome person for 30-60 years. And those quirks better indeed be lovable.

Chances are that you are not going to have one soulmate relationship throughout your entire life. People change, people also (regrettably) die. Once you embrace this concept, a much more attractive concept presents itself: what if you could have lots of soulmates? All at the same time? Or overlapping? What if you could have friends and soulmates and lovers and companions and fuck buddies and family? What if you could decide which friends you had sex with, and which soulmates were not sexual soulmates?

So you see, by lowering romantic expectations you actually discover a whole new world of possibility. I do not expect to be with anyone forever (though I will admit to wanting to be with some people forever), nor would I ever expect anyone to want to be with me forever. Do you realize what a relief it is to give up on that?

Rule 2: Jealousy Is Your Problem
I will admit that I very rarely get jealous. But it does happen from time to time, and when it happens it can be pretty brutal. Jealousy is a hard emotion for me to explain, but I agree that it just fucking sucks. It is easy to want to blame someone else for "betraying" your trust. Or for otherwise making you feel this wretched way.

You know what, though? You just having to fucking deal with it because it's your fucking problem. You don't own this other person. Nor do you, and you alone, deserve to be the only recipient of their love. This ties back into expectations. Do away with as many of them as you can regarding all relationships. If you are in a serious, familial or otherwise long-term and domestic relationship with someone, you might not be able to avoid building some expectations, and you might have the right to. State those expectations plainly and frequently. At the same time, work on challenging those expectations you have a right to. Remember that it is a choice for both of you to continue to be in the relationship, and if you want to continue to be in a relationship you sometimes have to soften hard lines. If a hard line cannot be softened, that is the time for you to choose to let the relationship go.

Jealousy is something you should talk openly about with your partners every single time you feel it, but is never something you should put on your partners. Period.

Rule 3: Jealousy Is Actually Not That Big A Deal
As long as you're not putting it on the partner. So you're jealous, right? Big deal. Laugh at the demon, and it will slowly retreat. You're allowed to be jealous, and you're allowed to move on from it.

Also, you know what helps with jealousy? Having sex with the person who has set this jealousy off. You might think I'm kidding. I'm not. After you've had sex with the interloper, jealousy really starts to seem like less of a big deal.

Rule 4: Write A Contract, But Promptly Disregard All The Agreements
If you are moving from a monogamous relationship into an open one, it is often suggested that you write a contract. This creates a sense of safety, which is all well and good. But as far as I'm concerned there are really only two agreements that are important to non-monogamy. One is to always talk openly, honestly, and often. The other is to always bring issues to one another as soon as they come up. Beyond that, other agreements will only drag you down. Especially agreements that aren't even spoken, which goes back to the two agreements that are important.

Allow yourself to make mistakes, and allow your significant other to make mistakes. Remember that you love them and they love you. Tear down your expectations, and then tear up that contract. Trust the person you love enough to know they will do their best to keep your interests in mind. And when (not if) they don't keep your interests in mind, remember all the times you failed them. If you want to keep loving them, you'll work it out. If you can't keep loving them, time to move on. It probably means that one or both of you have changed, anyway, and not that your open relationship failed. Speaking of which:

Rule 5: A "Failed" Relationship Is Not A Failure
Relationships are chapters in your life. Chapters begin and end. Stories having a beginning, middle and end. You are born, you live, and then you die. Life is cyclical, and so are human relationships. It is often not anyone's fault when a relationship ends, nor is it the fault of any one decision or thing that happen. Those are merely the events that lead you toward the end, which was inevitable the whole time. There's this one over-quoted quote (probably paraphrasing here): "'tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." I think it's over-quoted because it's true. Just be thankful for the happy times you shared.

Rule 6: Love Yourself First
This is perhaps the most important and perhaps delusional and narcissistic sounding rule. You don't have to think you're the greatest person ever, but you do have to take care of yourself first and foremost. Not for Ayn Rand reasons; but being OK with being alone is integral. Enjoying spending time with yourself is necessary. You can say you're lonely when you're single or your lover is out with another- or you could say you're independent and whole on you're own. It's possible for both emotions to exist in the same place: I have been to the lowest depths of single life and I have found a better me in those dark places.

Now with these 6 simple rules (yes I'm being facetious here) you too can unlock multiple-relationship bliss. I should give motivational speeches and what not.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

DixIT, a Board Game, Spurs Me Into Creating a New Blog

Don't worry, I'll still be posting here plenty. But I just wanted to let some of the regular readers of this blog know about a new blog I started. I called it Liver Journal: A DixIt Project because it's on LiveJournal, which for some reason I typed as "liver journal" in the search engine earlier tonight and liver journal tickled me, and also because it is a project based on the board game DixIt.

For those of you who don't know, DixIt is a game that has these really beautifully illustrated cards. The idea of the game is to give everyone playing a sentence that sort of hints to what's going on with the card, but doesn't just totally give the card away. Then the other players choose cards out of their deck that might also fit that line, the cards are shuffled and then players vote on which card they think is the original one that spurred the sentence. The object is to have some people vote for your card, but not all the players.

Anyhow, the cards make great story prompts and I decided to start this blog in order to flex my creative writing muscles even further. It is not a sexy blog, necessarily, unless that's where my brain takes me as I'm writing. This is a family game after all, you perverts.

If you're interested in this type of thing, check it out:

Friend me on LiveJournal if that's the type of thing you like to do!

Friday, October 5, 2012

Exciting New Metric Media

First of all, I found my new theme song:

But also! I went to go see Metric tonight! With Arthur Dent and Zephyr, and we were the bizarre little poly triad where the girl is the pimp. OK, so I guess V would be more accurate, but I don't think triad is entirely inaccurate because those two totally want to bone.

Anyway, they didn't play Lost Kitten, but I found this sweetass dress at the merch counter:

Stupid taking pictures of yourself in the mirrow :( Turns the words around! But it says "Lost Kitten On The Catwalk." It's me!
And there's my vagina. I wonder if Metric would appreciate this picture, or if they would disapprove? I'm going to go ahead and believe they would approve. And that they're reading this blog right now!

So Metric, if you're reading, this little lost Kitten loves your new album, Synthetica. It's getting me through the fall this far, and reminding me to be human.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Traditional Hetreonormative Scripts

I like to consider myself a bit of a sexual adventurer. I try a lot of different things, I play around. It's fun when sex is a little different from the usual script. But I'm going to share a little secret with y'all right now; when it comes to my typical sexual interactions, which are typically with cis-gendered men, I just like to sort of... let the guy do all the work. From the seduction to the first move to the being on top of me doing all the thrusting, it feels really nice to be taken care of like that. To have the sex planned out for you, to just let it happen. I have always known that this script can be a tremendous burden for the heterosexual male, though they don't always claim it is. And some men do truly like to be dominant in that way. However, I believe the majority of heterosexual-ish men I know have many, many fantasies where the woman takes over.

I spent the afternoon just the other day talking to a friend and sometimes lover of mine about this topic. He talked about how it's not just the expectations of the man conquers woman script, it's also the responsibility. Maybe, just maybe, he wants a woman to fall over him and seduce him and fuck him so that, just once in his life, he can say with full confidence "she wanted this." That was a bit of a wake-up call for me, because I spend so much time in my own head as I'm "allowing" myself to be seduced. Thinking about how badly I want it, but never expressing that out loud. To me it seems like it's in the air, an unspoken but unmistakable yearning. And when I allow myself to yield like that, like the delicate, feminine flower I am, I feel so much comfort in the cocoon of this old, familiar romantic tale.

And here I am, with all these fantasies about dominating men in my head. Imagining myself inviting a man out for drinks or dinner, buying him his meal, driving him home when he's a little intoxicated, shoving him up against the wall as soon as we're in his apartment, kissing him deeply so that he's good and hard, ripping off his pants, sucking his dick and then backing up onto it and fucking him while I rub my clit and cumming so so hard. Taking what I want, taking responsibility for that fuck. I have these fantasies, and sometimes I live them out. But they're so hard to follow through on with my comfortable little cocoon of heteronormative sex. I have to psyche myself up for days and make plans and all these things I'm not used to.

Yeah, I know. Waaah. This is what it's like to be a man, isn't it?

I vow to break out of my submissive mold. Watch out boys; my fantasies can get a little dark.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Here's A Story From When I Was 16

Is it weird to talk about the perverted shit you did before you were legal? Because a lot of my funniest stories come from that time.

Throughout my hornier teenage times- which was pretty much all of my teenage times (seriously, I started masturbating when I was about 7. So I was actually horny throughout most of my childhood even)- I was often trying to figure out how to insert large objects into my vagina. I never did end up getting penetrated by anything until my second boyfriend fingered me when I was 18. I know! 18! I didn't even lose my virginity until I was 18. To the same guy even. But I digress.

I heard somewhere that women would sometimes use a cucumber as a dildo in times of need, and while I thought a cucumber seemed ridiculously large I also thought "hey, I can do this. Build up slow, like it says to in Cosmo," and eyed the cucumbers in the fridge for months. The cucumbers my mother bought. For our salads. Surely I wouldn't go for that, would I? The salad cucumbers?

Oh, but I did. My not-so-wise-as-it-thought 16-year-old mind had no idea had to insert a cucumber into my pussy, so it wasn't pretty.

Late one night when I was particularly feeling the ache to have something, anything, deep inside me, I stole away to the kitchen after my parents went to bed and thieved the biggest cucumber from the veggie crisping drawer. Why did I chose the biggest? I was afraid that it was what I was supposed to do, since "size matters (but we pretend it doesn't)" was the heterosexual female opinion of the era. I have since heard a lot of advice about fucking a cucumber: you have to peel it (which seems like it would be too strangely... cooling to me), wear a condom on it (that would have been the courteous thing to do for my family I suppose... more on that later), and as with any large object you're trying to insert in any hole use plenty of lube. I didn't even hear about lube that you could purchase until I was again, 18, so I furiously masturbated in my room for hours while trying to shove a cucumber that was way wider than any dick I've ever seen into my virginal pussy with no lube. I'm glad I eventually gave up.

And washed it off thoroughly, but not with soap because you can't really wash vegetable with soap, can you? And then put back in the the veggie crisping drawer, where it cooled off after it's hot sexual encounter with me for a day or two until my family ate it in a salad.


Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Responsible Hedonism

I have recently been reading about the philosophy of Hedonism and decided that this is basically the life philosophy I independently chose for myself. My main goal in life has always just been to have fun, share love and compassion, and experience pleasure.

Of course, life is full of things that you need to do in order to optimize your fun or pleasure, and an unfortunate consequence of these things is that they're not fun. Take exercise. I freely admit to hating it. It is not at all pleasurable for me- never has been, never will be. However, being in at least OK shape helps my immune system so that I get sick less, keeps my energy up, and helps me have better sex. So I should try to do some exercise so that I can get the most out of life, shouldn't I? How can I make exercise worth my while?

I have decided that any low impact exercise session now earns me one masturbation session. Today, I walked a mile. And then I rewarded myself. I am calling this responsible hedonism. I suppose that I should only reward myself with sex by, say, running a mile, but let's be honest. That ain't gonna happen.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

What Do I Think About "Active Consent?"

This is a topic that has been hot in BDSM and sex positive communities lately. I'm calling it active consent because I think I've heard some people call it that and I can't remember the other thing that it's called. Why am I writing about this? Well, I'm certainly no expert, nor would I ever claim to be. I don't even think I have that strong an opinion; this is something I have only really began to think and talk about myself within the last couple of years. But the fact is that I will be speaking on a panel about this tomorrow night, and I think writing this will help me get my thoughts in order. I might as well share it with the likes of youse out there in the blogosphere. I can only hope that it will create controversy and traffic! Oh and this probably needs a trigger warning too. TRIGGER WARNING.

On it's most basic level, I'm totally behind active consent and the consent culture that is popping up around this movement/ thing people are talking about. I can't imagine that there are very many people who aren't behind it; the vast majority of non-consensual situations happen when one person gets carried away, or believes that the situation is consensual when it's not, or when someone believes the situation to be consensual when in fact they have just talked someone into it. I'm not saying outright aggressive, blatantly non-consensual situations don't happen. But I do believe in the inherent good intentions of most of humanity, and I do not think most people intentionally set out to hurt others. Full disclosure dictates that I should tell you at this time that I have never found myself in a situation where I said "no," and was ignored. I have never been attacked or sexually abused by someone who had the intent of hurting me, and when I have said no it has always stopped whatever was happening.

So consent culture= good. I have established that. I also believe that different people have varying levels of what sort of consent they need to be able to give, and what consent they feel they need to ask for, before an encounter. And this can also be complicated by the situation you find yourself in. The sort of consent you need to ask for/ give is different at a play party with a stranger than it is with a longtime lover. Or in my case, a client, which adds a whole new complicated level. Understatement of this post: consent is very complicated. I believe most people haven't really thought much about how to ask/ give consent. Like I said, I didn't until very recently. It's very complicated, very important to discuss in your BDSM/ Sex Pos community, and very important to think about if you want to be a sexual/ kinky/ adult person. 

So there's nothing controversial about my opinion so far. At least mostly. I'm actually a little bit afraid to get into the part that I believe to be controversial, because I think it's not the most popular opinion of all time. But it is one that I think is important and maybe not talked about as much as it should be. It is difficult to speak up about, especially when you agree about how complex and important the issue of consent can be.

But you know what? A discussion of my consent is really just... not sexy to me. Interestingly enough, I am just as guilty of having a discussion about another person's consent over some sort of act. Especially with my clients. But there is nothing, nothing that turns me off more than someone asking if it's ok for them to fuck me now. Questions I never want to hear when I'm about to get down with someone are:

"What sort of barriers do we need to use? I'd like to finger you, if that's ok... should I get some gloves?"

"Are you OK?"

"Is what I'm doing alright/ feel good?"

"May I eat you out/ fuck you/ spank you now?"

Etc, etc.

And what bugs me is all the people out there who keep asserting that conversations like that are sexy. People act as though everyone wants to hear these types of questions during sex/ play. I really, really want to respect the fact that some people do like consent questions as part of their sex/ play. Some people find these questions sexy. But when I hear other people saying questions like that are sexy, it makes me feel like there's something wrong about me or my sexuality because I don't think they're sexy. Like I'm the problem; a victim who will continue to perpetuate violence and non-consensual sex for submissive people everywhere. It's a hard thing to come to terms with.

I have no problem talking about barriers or what I do or don't like sexually ahead of time. But when it's business time, I just want to be ravaged. Just take me and do what you will with me. I like to have my limits pushed, and I like to say no if something isn't going right for me. I hate to say it, but consent culture has made a lot of my lovers question whether or not they are just rape-happy monsters. Men specifically. And I don't think that was ever the point. I think the point was to discuss the whole situation openly and honestly. In my mind, this is not completely a male vs. female issue. We all take advantage without knowing that we're doing it, and we all have been taught some really stupid shit about how sex works from the society we were raised in. While my sexuality does tend to adhere to a feminine role, and I can see how men who are questioning their consent practices might feel like they need to ask me if everything is ok. But come on! Is it never ok for a woman to want a man to just have his way with her? Is that not a legitimate sexuality?

What I propose to deal with this situation is to have a pre-consent conversation consent conversation. Some people, such as myself, find it way sexier to talk about consent before anything is getting serious. It may seem like an intimidating thing to talk about on a first date, or with someone who you have met in a club. But you know what? Tough shit. I think that if you want to have sex with someone, you should ask them what their boundaries are waaaaaayyyy before sex is happening. Does this mean you can't ask a question if it comes up during sex? No. I still believe consent is a very important thing to have at all times, and if ever you're uncertain... it's better to ask. But their are sexier ways to ask. Seriously:

"Your tight little asshole is making me hard. I want to fuck that asshole."

Don't worry: to me a statement like that is not coercion. I would totally say "not tonight," at that point.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

How To Have A Skype Threeway

Web cam sex has always felt a little awkward to me. Despite my ability to write some pretty decent dirty talk, I have a hard time getting it out of my head in real life. My attempts at dirty talk IRL are often awkward because I just feel so silly saying things. Without dirty talk, web cam sex is just mutual masturbation. And don't get me wrong, I love mutual masturbation. Love. But when you can't touch the person on the other side of the screen it feels a little empty to me.

However. Have you ever tried having a threeway over Skype? If you're an exhibitionist or a voyeur I highly recommend both sides of the experience.

Step 1) Have a lover who is out of town often. In my case, it is my dear Zephyr, who is constantly out of town for one work related thing or another.

Step 2) Encourage your  lover to have sex with others while out of town. This is key. You can't be monogamous and you can't be those sorts of "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas," couples. They have to have sex with someone else while out of town, and you have to be willing to talk to them about it constantly. And get horny thinking about it.

Step 3) Get to know your lovers out of town lover a bit. I suppose this only works if the person your lover met lives in a place where you lover travels often, or who your lover falls in love with so that it makes sense for you to develop a relationship on them. And then a crush on them. In helps if you are bi/ pansexual like me. We shall call Zephyr's lover MPDG, for Manic Pixie Dream Girl (in the best kind of way, like me. Not a silly character who's only purpose in this plot is to inspire our hero and heroine to a greater sense of self through wacky adventures, but rather a girl who is just pretty awesome).

Step 4) When distance is getting you down, schedule a date to "talk" over Skype. Our first Skype date was with Zephyr and I in Colorado, and MPDG in her East Coast locale. After spending several weeks with Zephyr, she was missing him something fierce and also wanting to get to know me better.

Step 5) Awkwardly transition into having sex for the other person's amusement somehow. One thing you can do is just suddenly decide to put your bare ass right in the web cam's view. This cuts the tension of having the mostly unfamiliar face there when the sex begins, and makes it all about genitals.

Step 6) Try and do all the ridiculous sex positions and things you can think of to impress the other person. No one needs to get off here; this is a show!

Step 7) Have more Skype dates with your lover on the other side of the camera with their other lover. Now watch them do impressive things for your entertainment and play with yourself a little.

I have to admit that while I loved performing with Zephyr for MPDG, my favorite was actually watching Zephyr and MPDG together. It was like having my own porn that I could direct, though I didn't direct much. Plus, you know what one of the hottest things in the world is to me? Watching another woman get off with one of my lovers doing all the work. I know what it feels like, I can imagine what she's feeling. Seeing his fingers move in and out of her pussy was just... incredible.

Skype was definitely made for group sex. I wonder what it would be like to have all sorts of different scenarios- 2 people on each side; 3 people on 1 side and 1 on the other side; an orgy on 1 side; an orgy on each side; 2 lesbians on 1 side and 2 gay dudes on the other side. The possibilities are endless.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Oh Gosh. Pubic Hair.

I remember when I first started removing my pubic hair. It was when I was 18 and my sort-of-a-jerk (but I was totally in love with him) had asked me if I would try it. I remember being confused and not really understanding how I was supposed to go about removing it. He suggested trimming it and then shaving it, and asked me if I hadn't seen any porn before? And of course I had, and I had seen bare pussies. It was still the 90's, but some women were sporting the bare look back then. But I had never put 2 and 2 together and realized I could remove it myself.

I have no idea how long I spent in the bathroom, patiently trimming away hairs with my mom's cuticle scissors she had inherited from her mother, who had purchased them in Germany after World War II. At least at first, until it seemed like I wasn't making any headway and then cutting so close to the skin that I actually accidentally caught it a few times and cut into flesh. Then I hacked away at my wounded vulva until it was nearly a bloody pulp, for I was always condemned to disposable razors, my parents too cheap to want to buy me the nice ones in the commercials. When I finally gave up I was still left with an unusual pattern of stubble of varying lengths. I had almost entirely failed to get any of the hair along any of the many folds in my complicated female genitalia, and I had shaved the entire mound area down to an uncomfortable stubble that I could already see razor burn forming on. Sure that my parents would catch on after the hours I must have spent in the bathroom and the pubic hair now clogging the drain, I poured witch hazel over the entire mess and grimaced, feeling so raw in the area that I didn't think I could have sex for days. Yet I had done it so that I could impress my boyfriend that very night, and he actually liked it despite what a terrible job I had done.

After that, I kept it up for years. Improving my technique and even getting good enough to shave my asshole without too many nicks. I kept a fairly fully patch on my mound since I never did figure out how to avoid razor burn over that very sensitive skin, only cleaning up the edges along the lines where my leg met my torso. I don't have any that grows up my stomach nor does it stretch very far down my thighs, so my main focus was always just my vulva, beginning where my lips meet just about my clit and stretching back to my ass. It never really got easy, but I had a ritual of removal that worked for me. I loved the way it felt the day of and the day after I shaved; bare skin in that area is incredibly sensitive to touch. But as soon as the hair started to grow in it would become itchy and uncomfortable. And I need to wait at least a week to shave again- otherwise I would get too many nicks and ingrown hairs and razor burn.

Why, you may ask, did I continue to go to such trouble if all I got was a day or 2 of nice feelings maybe once every 1 to 2 weeks? For the approval of boys? Well, after that first boyfriend, I never actually found another guy who seemed to care. I have found that most guys, if anything, prefer a trimmed bush. And by that I mean all the hairs intact and just kept short- not the look I was sporting with hair up top. Of the few who don't prefer trimmed, most will tell you they like a full bush and few will tell you they actually prefer partially shaved or bare. Are they just saying that because they know that's what women want to hear? I don't think so. I myself am satisfied with their answers, and after that first boyfriend I definitely didn't keep doing it for them. And don't even ask me about women here- I didn't start having sex with female folk until later.

Looking back, it feels ridiculous to admit it was simply social pressure. I love porn, so don't get me wrong here, but it definitely kept me in the mindset of thinking bare was the only choice I had as a woman. I wanted to be considered desirable; not by the men who I shared my sexuality with, oddly enough, but I wanted to be considered desirable by societal expectations. On the off chance that people who weren't my boyfriend might actually see my lovely vagina, I wanted them to be able to really see it. And I wanted them to see it as the most desirable kind of vagina in America, the shaved bare porny little tight lipped pussy like the ones in porn. And that was just what I had. Who were the they who might see my pussy randomly? I have no idea. I certainly wanted to be a porn star back then, but I wasn't about to go through with it at that point.

I have no doubt that pubic hair removal is perfectly painless and fine feeling for most people. A lot of people have told me to try waxing, but the last time I had my eyebrows waxed I had broken out in a rash in allergic reaction or just absolute skin rage that it had been violated so. I wasn't about to go that route. And every time I shaved, the more the skin on my beloved vulva rebelled. I'm not surprised to have read more about it recently, and found that for a lot of people removing pubic hair can increase bacterial infections of both the skin and the genitals. Both of which I experienced at times during my pubic hair removal periods.

So I got pretty secure in my relationships, and pretty secure in my sexuality, and just so sick of dealing with all this time and heartache in hair removal. So I stopped shaving, but kept it short. Eventually I grew my leg hair and armpit hair out over the winter, and grew the pubes out all the way too. I found I really liked having armpit hair but not so much leg hair. So now I shave my leg and armpit hair (cuz I could take it or leave it), sometimes I trim my pubes and sometimes I let them grow all the way out again.

I may try removing it again, but honestly I don't see the big deal. It's such a big hassle for so little reward! Seriously people.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Sex Workin'

From the time I was very young, I always sort of knew it would end up here. But I spent way too many years denying it. I have been shamed into feeling guilt for what I really wanted to do with my life for too long. And I am finally beginning to break out of that shell of shame. To use a cheesy and obvious metaphor, if I may, I would call this shame a cocoon and myself a butterfly who has just hatched and emerged. Or maybe more a moth. A badass moth.

I know I have been saying on this blog for a while that I want to be in porn. Well, check, I've started that. And I want to have a vast porn empire of awesome, which I'm working on. But I also realized when I was in San Francisco, after talking to a group of sex workers who were very happy with their jobs, that I had been assuming that was impossible. All this propaganda in our society about how it wasn't glamorous work, how it was hard and risky and dangerous and scary. That had wormed it's way into my head and sort of sat there decaying all these years, and I thought I couldn't go there. I thought it was the work of desperate, uneducated people, even my logical and compassionate mind told me that wasn't true. Well, fuck all that.

When I am completely honest, I have always wanted to do this. Always. And I knew I would some day- I was just waiting for the right epiphany.

Sex workers can be happy. That's not to say it's always easy, in fact I think it's pretty hard. It's work, and all work is often hard. Sometimes things just call people; though, that's why they call it a "calling." This siren song has been haunting me ever since I learned that sex work existed.

So yes, I have decided to become an escort. I have already been seeing clients, and it has felt exactly as I thought it would. That's not to say all radical and super fun, either. Basically, I expected it to feel like work that I was very well suited to. And it has. But a lot of it has also been radical and super fun. It is such a good fit, and soon I will have a lot more time free to write in blogs, or just write in general, or to build that porn empire, or to see more friends and talk more deep thoughts. This feels really good. Really right.

Many of you may have questions or complaints about this. I understood that would also be a part of this decision. But all I ask of my friends and support network is that you think about what it must feel like to not be able to follow your dreams because society has deemed your dreams to be invalid, disgusting, uncouth. How it would be to try to stuff those down inside because you think you need to be better than your dreams. I am better than my dreams, by which I mean that my dreams are 100% better than society's impression of what those dreams might say about the type of person who has them. I envision a world where sex work is practiced in much the same way as other healing arts, and in which the artists who practice sex work are looked up to rather than down upon.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Dolores Park

It's been what- at least a month since I got back from San Francisco now. I shot some porn there, as some of you may have read. It went well and there was of course no reason for me to be anxious. No, it's not available yet. Don't worry, I'll figure that out and make sure you all know about it.

But I've let a whole month pass by without even writing about my magical time in Dolores Park. And I say magical because, full disclosure, I was stoned out of my fucking mind while there. One of the things that so impressed me about this park was the fact that there were just drug vendors. Like hot dog vendors, but with drugs. My friend and I bought a shit ton of weed cookies and I actually brought some back to Colorado with me (don't think too much about how I made that happen) and had part of one tonight. Which reminded me that I wanted to write about this!


This park is just full of people on a Saturday. It was as though we had traveled back in time to the late 60's or early 70's, only dirtier and less optimistic. There are drug vendors and people just chilling out with their dogs and hula hoopers and DJs with full-on PAs providing music and people of all genders making out (maybe even fucking in a bush? who knows) and kids and just so many people. Who are all there to relax or have fun and just not take life so seriously for a while. Really, really beautiful. If a little over-the-top and coachella-esque.

So I've had more cookie than I should have, even though I pretty much know what a good dose is for me I was just all BRING IT ON. Both of my friends take off to the bathroom leaving me overwhelmed and amazed (alarmed?) in the middle of this beautiful impromptu festival of life. Which is pretty much when I started to trip fairly hard, especially for weed. I tend to have a very psychedelic reaction, but this was out of the realm of normal reaction to pretty much anything for me ever.

Just as I'm starting to get a little misty eyed thinking about how wonderful it is that humanity can occasionally be pretty OK, 2 girls come out of no where, take their dresses off and start dancing topless in the middle of the park. And not hippie dance- though that would have been mind-blowing enough- but sort of amateur strip nite. They were both really good dancers, had really nice bodies and were undeniably sexy, but they didn't really seem like professionals. One had a mohawk and was dark skinned, probably black or mixed ethinicity. She was tall, lean and muscular. The other had a cute pixie cut, paler white skin and was shorter and curvier.

At that moment in time, I felt as though I had never seen something more purely and perfectly magnificent before. It was like watching art come to life and felt completely magical and other-worldly. I started to full on cry, tears rolling down my cheeks but at least not sobbing or otherwise calling attention to myself. I just couldn't believe what I was seeing, and that I was so lucky to witness it. I started to feel scared for them too, though, and knew that the moment could not continue.

It was over pretty quickly I think, though it felt like hours. My friends came back to find me tripping on some crazy hippie shit ideas, and told me I should go talk to the girls. But I was too shy, unlike some of the male witnesses. The girls started to attracted too many admirers, and people were talking to them and taking pictures. One guy came up and hugged them, which was more unsettling than sweet. At least for me in that state I was in.

Just as it felt like things were crossing over into unsafe and uncharted terriortory, the speakers blew and the music stopped playing. The girls laughed and bent over to fetch their dresses. Once again clothed, they blended into the crowd like forest nymphs into trees. The moment was, indeed, too magical to last.

We stumbled home and I was way too high to remain conscious. I masturbated furiously and then took a nap. When I awoke I had a very lovely all girl threeway with my friends. I got fisted for the 2nd time in my life by the same girl as the first time. I had lots of orgasms.

Though I really enjoyed shooting porn, I'd have to say that the Dolores Park adventure was much more awesome and life changing. Probably not a day I will soon forget.

Friday, July 6, 2012

What It's Like To Watch Porn For A Living

For some reason I completely forgot to post a link to this before now. I guess it was published what... a little over a month ago? Anyhow, I was the anonymous interview subject for this piece about what my job is like, and it's actually pretty close to verbatim what I said in the interview. Of course, you don't get to see the questions asked in order to understand why the narrative takes the direction that it does, because this is not what I would have said about my job were I to write this article. But it's interesting to see my job through the lens of somebody I told about it:

The 2nd and even more interesting thing about this article: look at the comments. There's some people who are like porn addiction is real! And some Jesus Nazi's of course. But it would appear from some of the comments that everyone read this as though it were a male identified individual who was the interview subject. At first I didn't actually think that she had not identified my gender- I figured people just skipped through the article and didn't notice. But then I reread it and noticed that she didn't.

I am uncertain as to whether I come off as male when I talk about my work, or whether people just assume that anyone who admits to liking porn must be male. Perhaps it is a combo of both. To me, though, it's pretty clear that there is some feminine energy going on from my statement here: "My favorite movies are girl-on-girl ones with girls who are really into each other. I like watching queer porn because they're doing things that haven't been done before — movies that feature trans people, or men who prefer a more submissive role, or just movies that feel more natural and less set-up. In general I like watching anything where it seems like the actors are friends and having fun." One of the commenters did seem to pick up on that, though she was careful to identify it as someone who was a feminist rather than assigning a gender.

Fascinating. Just fascinating.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

On Identity and Labels

This is so not an original sort of sex blog post. But that's OK. It seems like everyone has something to say about this lately, and that includes me.

If you've read any of this blog or know me at all, you will know that I identify simply as "sexual." For me this means that I not only find all genders/ gender identities attractive, but that I also find all sorts of sexual scenarios, ideas and expressions arousing. I have used the terms bisexual, pansexual and queer before, but none are accurate. Not only that, but they all have very specific and somewhat serious problems to me. Bisexual will often get you excluded from lesbian/ gay communities and will get your sexuality dismissed as "just a lark," or similar ideas. Pansexual will get you made fun of for being a hippie/ pagan/ LARPer, and doesn't really include the fact that people can be attracted not just to multiple genders but also multiple ideas or scenarios. Queer carries with it a heavy political aspect, and I have often found queer communities to be very dismissive of heterosexual sex and heteronormative behaviors. I love heterosexual sex! And while I feel heteronormativity can be very damaging, I also find a certain amount of comfort in a heteronormative space. Also, while non-monogamy/ polyamory can fit well with all of those identities, none of them are explicitly non-monogamous. Non-monogamy is also a very important component of my sexuality, and my most recent revelation and cause.

I want to talk about how these labels and identities divide us rather than bring us together. I understand how they can be used to great effect as a shorthand for describing yourself to others. Or for finding like-minded individuals. Or for forming community around a cause. All of these things are, at their base level, positive and affirming. For so long people who's sexualities have fallen out of the realm of "normal" have felt shunned by society. Heteronormativity has been extremely damaging to our culture. So many have suffered terrible trauma and pain based on what they find attractive and sexually arousing. I have suffered it as well, and I get that.

Here's the rub: as someone who straddles the line of enjoying all sorts of sex and sexuality, I have suffered trauma and pain from both sides. Shockingly, the most direct ridicule I have received has been from people who identify as queer or lesbian (because I am female I believe). While I have received mostly indirect ridicule from a television pundit or republican senator for my less heterosexual interests. Queer people have ridiculed me for enjoying penetration with a cock attached to someone who was born male. Lesbians have ridiculed me for enjoying a threesome with a man and a woman, or for simply going home to a man after fucking a girl. I have been excluded from spaces for not being queer enough. I have had people repeatedly remind me that I am not bisexual because I admittedly prefer relationships with men. I have had women break up with me for liking their husband better than them. OK, well that last one is probably fair, but it still hurt.

I feel like I constantly have to remind folks that in order to be truly sex-positive you have to believe that there is absolutely nothing wrong with anyone's sexual identification or interests, as long as everything is consensual. For someone who has had their sexuality oppressed and ridiculed and sometimes even prosecuted, it seems obvious to me that respect for others sexualities would come naturally.

Go ahead, say it. After all the oppression that gay, lesbian, trans and queer people have had to deal with for so long, we have every right to feel the way we do about heterosexuality or other similar, patriarchal, heteronormative, etc. practices. Well, I disagree. Everyone deserves respect. Everyone deserves inclusion. Everyone deserves a chance to share, learn and grow together. I truly, passionately believe that the only way to a more sexually positive, accepting and open society is to never exclude, oppress, ridicule or other anyone. No matter how much of a douchebag they are.

Of course, I aim for a society where sexual identification becomes obsolete, and that is where all of this comes from. I understand how dismissive that might seem to many who's identities are so very important to them. Even though it may not sound it, my identities are actually very important to me. But only when we can let go of them, lose assumptions surrounding them and just love who we love and fuck who we fuck... I believe that is when we will really be free of sex-negative tyranny.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

My Friend Mary Jane

Weed makes me horny. And I'm not just talking about a little boost to the libido; I basically can't stop thinking about sex as soon as I take a hit. If I do masturbate or have sex, I basically can't help myself from orgasming continually. It makes me much more interested in it, and interested in doing it for a longer time. It. Is. Awesome.

I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (acronymed to PCOS for the rest of this post) about 6 months ago. Not much is known about PCOS, but my doctor had recently read an article about how sugar and a (in this case mine) body's inability to process it can be connected to PCOS. My period's were irregular, and I wanted a natural remedy to that issue because I had been taking birth control to try and deal with it for too long. So, though it wasn't guaranteed to work I tried to cut sugar from my diet almost completely. One thing that has a lot of sugar in it is alcohol, so I stopped drinking because there were many ways I was not enjoying myself with alcohol anyway.

After about 6 weeks of feeling pretty stressed out (coming off of sugar can be really mentally and physically difficult- it is a highly addictive substance), and not being able to eat cake or cookies or even a slice of white bread and definitely not as much wine as I needed to get drunk, I decided that I deserved another type of stress relief. I expressed this to a friend of mine who is a regular smoked, and he surprised me with a couple of lovely buds for my birthday. I began trying smoking it anytime I wanted to relax after work or social engagements, and now here I am. I smoke it pretty much every night after work.

And it. Is. AWESOME.

My life hasn't gone to hell at all and I'm pretty much 100% more relaxed and happy all the time now, so I think I totally believe that all the anti-marijuana propaganda they try to shove down your throat really was BS the whole time. I'm sure it can cause some very serious problems for some people, blah blah blah. Whatever, I think it's great for me. It is here to stay.

I'm not really sure what it does to my lady parts, but whatever it is I can't complain. I figure it must be a little like viagra in some ways- it feels to me like maybe it increases blood flow to the area, or just increases it overall? Every sensation is much more pure and intense. Every thought is much more dirty. I crave touch and to be touched, I crave to lay back and luxuriate in my pleasure, I crave to give my lover more pleasure than they gave me.

What I really don't understand is : why isn't everyone talking about this all the time? I know weed doesn't make everyone horny, but I know it makes other people super horny. Why aren't they writing about it in their sex blogs? Why aren't they telling other people to try it for libido? Why aren't doctors prescribing it like viagra? Well, that's a more complicated question ;)

Or does it really just make me more horny than everyone else?

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The Night Before

I am excited to announce that tomorrow night I will be shooting my first ever porno scene. This post is going to be about all the feelings I have about this- I think you hear pretty often from people about their experience after they've done something like this, but you rarely hear about what they were feeling before from the perspective of the before. I mean you hear a lot of "oh, I was really nervous" yadda yadda from the other side, but you don't hear the "gah I'm really nervous and wish it was over with!"

First off, I feel almost ashamed to be nervous. I know that's ridiculous, it makes perfect sense that I am. Still, I have this sense that I should be manning up to it better. This is what I wanted. I love to do sexual performances, and I've done a ton of them. Just never on camera and never for this large a potential audience.

The plan is to shoot with Maggie & Ned Mayhem for their site, I met them both at OpenSF over the previous weekend, and they were so nice that now I have this fear that I will somehow really disappoint them. Knowing more about them now than I did when I originally contacted them, I realize they're kind of a big deal. And I can't imagine better people to shoot with for my first time. Basically I'm afraid that I will be so nervous that I will somehow freeze up and not properly emote or get into it somehow. This has always been the worst type of anxiety I deal with, the "fear of fear itself." And the best thing to do when I'm feeling this way is to put it out of my mind somehow, but I don't really have much else to think about. I'm staying with some friends in San Francisco, and it's my first time here. They're busy and have their own lives to lead, and I don't know much about this city or what I want to see. I don't have much to take my mind off of things.

So this is a really silly situation I have put myself in. Here I am, making all my dreams come true. Making porn with really sex positive activist types in the city that has long been sort of a sex positive activist hub, and I'm totally psyching myself out. And then telling myself it's normal and ok to have jitters. And then thinking too much about how I have jitters. BLAH!

So here is my mantra I'm going to keep telling myself about tomorrow. Here is how it's going to go. And even if it doesn't go this way, which it most certainly won't since nothing ever goes the way you plan it to, it will be ok. Because I am a fucking porno rockstar- I just haven't had my chance to prove it yet. But I know I will.

I am a fucking porno rockstar! I will walk into the place where we are filming this thing, and though I will be visibly nervous I will be all smiles. They will ask me how I'm doing and I will tell them the truth about being nervous, but I will also be all smiles and enthusiasm. This is an amazing opportunity that I am certain I won't fuck up because I love sex so much... how could I fuck it up? I love exhibitionism, I love having sex with new people, and I love having orgasms. Which I haven't had many of since no one here is having sex with me right now. I will negotiate a hot scene with them, one that is sure to push me ever so slightly farther than I imagined, because I like to push myself. I will own the camera, I will demand it's attention. I will look beautiful but more importantly I will ooze sexuality. I will bring my natural sexual charisma to the scene, that jes ne sais quoi that seems to attract so many people to me. I will enjoy myself. I will have fun. I will take everything these wonderful people have to offer me of their bodies and minds, and I will give back from me. I am confident, I know what I like, and I can use this power for good. I don't need to be modest about this.

I will be great.

Saturday, June 2, 2012


UPDATE: I completely forgot to link to a post I wrote for dodson and ross when I originally wrote this about owning your nude presence on the Internet. I think it's an important issue, don't you? Here is a link to that.

I have so many things I've been putting off writing about and haven't written and now I'm sick and don't feel like writing about anything right now. But a few things are very worthy of note, and I feel they should be mentioned. Hopefully I won't forget about all the great things I wanted to write about later.

First, my partner launched his sex toy line yesterday and we all had an outrageous party because 4 people actually bought one! Please go check it out and consider buying one if you like sex toys, it's really an awesome one (trust me, I can be hard to please)

Second, I have been meaning to post sexy pictures of my vagina here for a while, and now I finally have some. So here they are!

And also, here's a picture that isn't of my vagina, but that I just really like

I decided recently that I'm actually going to become a porn star, so uh.... if you actually shoot porn and want to shoot with me then let me know.

Yes I'm serious.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Hump Day

Not Wednesday! The movie. I watched this movie the other night with a girlfriend. A girlfriend or a girlfriend, you ask? Perhaps a little of column a, a little of column b. Anyhow, here's the link to the wikipedia page

(I often find a like the wikipedia page about movies better than the imdb page, though imdb does have the nice trivia section)

I am uncertain how to feel about this movie. I both liked it and didn't, I feel more conflicted about it than just about anything ever. In my entire life. So I think that means the movie was good, then, because it got me thinking. Right? But it also made me like... tear my hair out.

The story is that 2 best friends from college or some such nonsense reunite after not having seen each other in 10 or so years. One is married, sort of a straight-arrow type who doesn't want you think he's a square. He's hip, he's cool, right? He and his wife have just decided to get pregnant. The other is a world-traveler, hobo-ish, Jack Kerouac hipster wannabe. He shows up at the house of the straight-arrow and his wife, who's sex life seems to be a little uninteresting though comforting and loving.

Then the BFFs go to what appears to be an average weekday night hippie potluck polyamory gathering at an artist community house where a girl the hipster wannabe just met lives. Straight-arrow is immediately put slightly off his game by the fact that one of the girls hanging out in the house is already dating the girl who his friend just met, and appears to not be upset at all by the fact that his friend and her GF are making out in the other room. Crazy!

They get increasingly more drunk and high as the night wares on, all the while the wife is patiently waiting to serve them pork chops for dinner at home. They end up sort of daring each other to make a gay porno with each others for Humpfest, the porn film festival for amateurs that the Stranger holds in Seattle once a year. They think that nothing could be more artistic then 2 heterosexual dudes boning each other for the sake of bro-like love.

The next day they awake hungover, but neither will back down from the dare. So they essentially act like macho assholes about not chickening out and actually going through with the filming. Kerouac asks Square "won't his wife care? " And Sqaure sort of tries to make it sound like their polyamorous and his wife will be totally cool with it. Various forms of wackyness happen from there, as you can well imagine.

Do they go through with it? Well, I can't tell you that because you have to watch it. But I will say that the ending is extremely disappointing, which probably makes the answer pretty obvious.

This film tip-toes right up to the line of ground-breaking work in the realm of human sexuality and relationships, even sticks it's big toe slightly over the line, but then runs away with all the glee of a small child that has been caught doing something slightly naughty and foolish. I was really hoping for it to smash the line, color outside of it and show utter disregard for what is "normal."

Still, this was no romantic comedy. It was one of the most honest films I've ever seen when it came to the conversations had between the husband and the wife. Their ultimate resolution to the problem hints at a relationship strong enough to be polyamorous, even though it's not clear if that's where the end up going. The relationship between the heterosexual best male friends is incredibly honest too, and feels genuinely loving. These are 2 guys who would definitely have a romantic relationship if only that silly old gay sex was keeping them straight.

Ultimately, I would recommend it for anyone who enjoys over-thinking and over-analyzing relationships and human interaction of any type. Also, the Kerouac inspired character was played by the same guy who plays the camera guy in the Blair Witch Project. He still acts?!

Once the movie was over, my girlfriend and I spent at least a half hour trying to figure out how to initiate sex with each other, much like our heroes of Humpday when it came time to film their love for one another. She and I had never had sex with just each other before; only threesomes where our various shared men initiating things. Honestly one of the most confusing things to me about having sex with another woman is who initiates, who leads, who "fucks" and who is "fucked." Ridiculous, I know. I think I just need to practice more.

What was interesting about who initiated between us was that we both sort of ended up doing it, after we both mutually put it off forever in self-aware "we sure are silly" sort of way. I began to give her a massage, she reciprocated. I held her hand, she moved in for the kiss. I'm glad we eventually did it though, because it was awesome. I love fingering other dames- since I don't have a penis, it's sort of the closest thing I have sensation-wise. I love just looking at pussies. I love feeling them get wet. I got super wet myself going down on her and fingering her, and I once again put my oft-questioning mind at ease. I sometimes feel like I have no actual lesbian or even bi or queer cred. But then I take a magical vagina journey, and I feel pretty credible for at least a day or two.

I am at least 100% more gay than the character of Humpday. I'll tell you that much.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Pegging: It's For Everyone!

Guess what I recently gave a whirl on a partner's whim, even though I thought I wouldn't enjoy that much personally? If you read the title of this post, you can probably guess.

I have used a strap-on many a time. One of my consistent turn-ons so far as fantasy goes is women dominating other women, and especially mean tops with stylish strap-ons. So of course it makes sense that I would have one. But I have always felt that strap on sex with women was somewhat, well, unsatisfying for lack of a better word. Perhaps my fantasies have always built it up too much? Perhaps it's because I want to be able to feel myself moving in and out of her, but I can't actually feel my cock? Perhaps it's that I actually really like being penetrated, and I'm a little jealous when penetrating another woman? Selfish, selfish Kitten.

Boy butts were a territory my cock and I had not yet entered until recently, though. I'd always sort of felt like boy butts were kinda gross. All hairy and sweaty and musky. And everyone knows men don't wipe as well. OK, that was a cheap shot and absolutely not true. But those sorts of gender stereotypes are so deeply ingrained into our brains sometimes, you just end up thinking them even though you know they're incorrect. Also, I had only ever had one ex even express interest, and his was more of a something we might do if our relationship "reached that point" or some sort of bull shit like that. Hey, I was only 22. Our relationship never reached the point, but I hope he found a nice girl to do it with him. And here's why:

It's fucking incredible.

I actually think it may have been better for me than my patient bottom, but don't get me wrong- he had fun too. What was amazing for both of us, though, was the role reversal. I don't even know how to talk about it without sounding like a cliche of a sex counselor. But it really, really felt to me like I was in his shoes. And I think to some degree he felt the same way.

We couldn't even figure out how to begin. Or maybe I couldn't figure out is more accurate. But our sex usually follows a script. An extremely hot, and satisfying script that is mutually fulfilling for both of us, but a script nonetheless.  We make out, and he takes over. He tops me, usually by being literally on top of me. I don't really like face sitting, so I don't always go for that. I will sometimes go for 69, and will often go for just cock sucking, but usually have to awkwardly make my transition into it, almost always verbally asking for it eventually. I like cowgirl, but I love missionary and doggy and anything where he is fucking me. In fact, cowgirl is best for me when getting fucked from the bottom.

So yeah, I'm a bottom. It's what I find sexually satisfying. And here we are, the night where we know we're gonna bend him over. Yet here he is on top of me, and I find my transition to be awkward yet again. I think we both may have eluded to it somehow, though, and eventually we made it around to me "topping" which is still really him topping from the bottom, but a step in the right direction.

I played with his ass and experimented with some different things. I licked it while he jerked off, fucked it with my tongue. I had done that with him a few times before, and plenty of ladies, but this night was magic because I started thinking "hey, I wonder if this is what it's like licking my ass?" which is where the whole role reversal thing really started to click for me. I rubbed my fingers on the outside, then stuck one in. Eventually I got bold and tried 2, but it wasn't comfortable so we went back to 1. He started to get into it, but I was too slow and too gentle, so he helped me take it up a notch. I realized that he had learned from so much topping experience how to best guide me without hurting my feelings or making me self-conscious. And I had enough experience taking it in the ass that I could be gentle and try to really feel what his body was saying, thinking about how my body reacts to certain things.

I was going to attempt to build him up to what was actually a pretty small, thin dildo, but he was ready to go. I had to stop and put my strap-on on; something I will definitely plan in advance next time (sheesh, what a n00b, huh?). I had him jack-off while I got suited up, and then knelt over him in missionary position. I pushed the head of my cock against his asshole and before long it was engulfed, his body stiff with adjustment and excitement.

Oh, so this is what it's like fucking someone in the ass? In all my strap-on adventures with women, I had never done that exactly. Fingers and tongue in ass, sure. But I actually had a cock, albeit one not attached to my body, inside of a really tight ass. I could feel it pulling my cock in more, and trying to hold on to it as I slid out. I sped up just a tiny amount, but he asked me t keep it slow. I basically started just rocking my hips back in forth in a rolling motion, like and ocean. I could see how intense it was written all over his face, his eyes closed and his head to the side. He was moaning a lot more than usual. Basically, he looked exactly what I feel like when I'm taking it up the ass.

We found a good rhythm and kept it up. He was stroking his cock all the while, and he began to increase in speed and roughness with that. As he did, I fucked him a little harder. I didn't ever fuck him real hard; I never even got a chance for my hips to get tired like I usually do when I'm fucking someone. But something about the intensity of it increased. He felt strung as tight as a wire, full of electricity. Like he was about to explode. I reached my hand around and began fingering myself and moaning along with him.

And then he did explode. All over his stomach and chest.

And I'll admit it, it was totally my goal for that to happen. That should never, ever be the goal when fucking someone. To "make" them come. But really, he made himself come and I helped. And it was beautiful to be able to share that with him, from the opposite perspective of where I usually share it.

This was definitely a small step in my development as a top. I certainly don't think of myself as the patent-leather booted dominatrix of yore. And this is a situation where I wouldn't have been able to top if it had been anyone else. But now that I have with him, I can take on others. Now that I understand that topping is about so much more than just taking what you want; it's actually more about giving and then getting what you want out of that. Before, I only ever really understood that in theory.

And to the point of the title of this blog: I think everyone should do this. Every couple should switch roles every so often. I will even take it to the point that I think every couple should do each other in the ass. Doesn't matter your genders or orientations- everyone has an asshole! That may be a bit advanced for some of you readers, I know. But the ass is a powerful sexual tool. I have discovered a new way to enjoy it, and you should too!

Sunday, April 1, 2012


How have I never written about squirting on here? It's one of my favorite things in the whole world. Not only do I love to do it personally, but I am obsessed with it. I love porn with squirting, love hearing about other women squirting. I've never seen another lady do it in person, but I would just about die for the opportunity to. It's so beautiful, vulnerable, feels so good. I want to share it with the world

I hear that many women squirt from g-spot stimulation, but alas that is not for me. I'm all about the clit, and powerful vibrators are what do it for me. I can usually only do it lying on my back or in a sitting position, but I have been able to do it squatting a few times. Never on my hands and knees, but I always try to because then I could see it really well. It's easiest for me to do alone, but I sometimes do it with a partner watching me, and perhaps assisting a bit with some fingering. I have done it a few times during PIV, but the cock needs to be pulled out for it to happen. And I have to be using a vibrator at the same time, of course.

There is a sense of intense release that occurs for me with a squirting orgasm that I don't get from a non-squirter. Which isn't to say I don't love all orgasms, but I do try to squirt every few days just to get that special release. I wish I even knew how to begin to describe how it feels, but it's really hard for me. I have to have a very long orgasm. Basically, I will start to cum, and then I will really focus. I will put my whole mind into the orgasm, and try to take it deeper. My hand seems to know exactly how to move the vibrator around, and what pressure to use. No one else can get me quite there, though some have come close. I go deeper and deeper into the orgasm until a really intense pressure will build up. Yes, it feels like I have to pee, and for all I know that's exactly what I'm doing. But it feels so much better than having to pee. Much deeper, much more arousing, like every nerve in my body is on fire and concentrating on pushing things out of my pussy.

Then, all of sudden, liquid will start to drip out. Sometimes I have to stop right there, because it's too good and I become too sensitive. But sometimes I can push it farther, and when I do I will usually get a nice stream spurting out and landing on my thigh. I love how warm it is, and how gooey; gooier than I would expect. My pussy will be swollen and red after a session like that, and won't go down for about a half an hour. I have to go wipe up, not just from the squirting but also because my hole is always dripping wet. If I was showing off for a partner, I love to have them penetrate me right after I squirted. I can usually continue to cum that way, because I'm so sensitive. I can cum from the inside! Though it won't make me squirt again.

I want to squirt on all my lovers. I want to cum in their mouths, and on their dicks and pussies. I want to see them jerk off with my squirt as lube. I want to squirt into a cup and then have someone drink it. I want to squirt in my own mouth and all over my own body. I want to do it on camera and share it with the Internet. I want to squirt so many times that I have to wash the soaked sheets. I want to have a dozen girls squirt on me in a bukkake fashion. I want to collect a jar full of squirt and then use it to make flowers grow.

Sorry, got a little carried away there :)

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Sex Clubbin'

I have been to a couple of sex clubs within the last few years, and nothing makes me happier. I mean, that sounds a little soft; I'm not sure how to convey the overwhelming emotions of tranquility and exuberance that being in a room full of sexual expression gives me.

Last weekend I visited Bat/ Stingray Man in Seattle where he is currently residing. For a bit of context, he and I are both a board of directors here in Colorado trying to get a non-profit sex club started. It just so happens that the mothership of our non-profit is in Seattle, where they already have a nice little club that's been going for over 10 years. As would only make sense for us to do, we visited while I was there.

The party we went to was huge, lots of people there. The space is not huge, so it was packed. They usually have the play space set up a certain way, but the theme of the party we went to was that play could happen anywhere other than the bathrooms. So the club was packed full of people getting their sex on everywhere. A couple was fucking on a chaise lounge in the middle of the dance floor. Several suspensions were happening all over the place. Someone else was getting a sexy massage in the kitchen-ish/ snack area.One person was tied to the St. Andrew's Cross and being flogged while another person was climbing the rack on the other side of the cross, and a beautiful moment happened when they held hands between the rack and the cross.

Having sex in a space like that is truly a privilege for me. To be watched by others and for them to allow me to watch them is nothing short of amazing. To be so close to people I don't know- to bond with them over sexuality without ever even saying a word to them- feels more natural to me than any other social interaction I can think of.

I feel so in my element in these spaces. Whenever I do it, whenever I'm with all these people and we're all being sexual, I know what my life was meant to be. My mission is clear, and I am in a room full of people who get it.