Friday, December 23, 2011

Sucking at Blogging and Losing a Toy in My Ass

When last I left you, I was off to write a novel in the month of November for NaNoWriMo. The good news is, I did. Or at least I reached 50,000 words. Yeah, accomplishment!


Then it was December, though, and I completely failed to blog ever again. Until now. I also failed to actually finish my novel, but that's another story.

What I meant to blog about a long, long time ago- and never did- was about how I managed to lose a toy in my ass. And not just any old toy, a fucking BUTT PLUG. The type of toy that was created to never get lost in your ass. I'm still not even sure how this happened. But, for the purposed of posterity and your safety, dear reader, I will try to chronicle the episode here.

The plan was for Arthur Dent and I to try out anal sex, which is something we had not tried yet. I love me some anal sex, as I think I have said in here. I'm sure I have. I've been sort of obsessed with it lately. And so of course I want to do it with as many people are willing to do it with me. Arthur Dent was more than happy to oblige me in this.

Now, I don't always clean out the ol' pooper before I have an anal sex experience. I don't like it for a couple of reasons: I find it uncomfortable and unpleasant to do, and I don't like to have to "plan" on having anal sex. I like for it to just happen whenever I feel like I want it to. Also, I don't seem to have too much of a problem with creating a poopy dick if I don't clean out before, so why even bother? I've only left some brown behind a few times, and I don't really care that much if I do and neither do my lovers. Sometimes I will, though, if I want it to be a really, really nice anal experience with no poo worries. Such was the case with this anal experience, as it would be our first time together.

Also, Arthur has some girth. And I hadn't stuck anything that thick up my ass in awhile. So I brought my lovely little butt plug with a jewel on the base so that I could properly prepare to take it. I also brought my new favorite vibrator, the Jimmy Jane Form 2 (shameless plug that I can only wish they were paying me for. I'm not that famous yet)(seriously, though, it's great. Get one).

Alright, so the sex is going fucking fantastic. Some really, really good sex. We get each other all wound up with some excellent foreplay, which we both seem to be really good at doing with each other. I have him stick the plug in my ass after a bit of fingering and licking (and I will add here that the only thing that might be better than anal sex is getting your ass licked. It's great to know people who will lick my ass. Just great). My ass was feeling particularly juicy in addition to all the lube we were using, so I figured my ass was doing it's self lubricating thing that it does sometimes if I'm getting really ass-turned-on. Yes, this actually happens to me. I will go into the not-so-pretty details of what that means later.

After he put the plug in, he fucked me in the pussy from behind while I was on my stomach. I was getting super turned on, just about ready to cum, and he handed me the vibrator (I know! what a great guy). As I used the vibrator on my clit, he fucked me pretty hard and pressed on the plug and I blasted off. Super, super intense orgasm. I have a lot of really good orgasms, but that one was just... beautiful. I went like 10 levels down into orgasm canyon. It was crazy.

It had to end eventually, though, and I guess when I took the vibrator off my clit I relaxed a little too much. Because my ass swallowed the plug. Completely. Arthur tried to rescue it, but he was too late.

It felt really strange, I definitely felt something happen, but it was sort of underwhelming compared to what you would think. It was just like a lot of pressure, and then I didn't feel anything. Arthur was sputtering, trying to tell me something happened, and I didn't get what he was saying. I thought he was trying to tell me it shot out and I laughed, probably told him to keep going or something. No big deal. I thought maybe he saw the horror of my natural butt lubrication and was scared that it was all over his bed spread now or something. But then he took his dick out of me and I felt it in there.

Oh.

Oh. SHIT!

Panic ensued,and neither one of us was sure what to do. Having heard so many horror stories of people having to go to the hospital with toys and/ or objects being used as toys stuck up their ass, I was sure that I was to be the next victim of a toy up the ass hospital urban legend. Only this one would be the truth. Not so much legend.

But I tried to keep a cool head, and decided that I needed to go deal with this alone. So I told Arthur I was going to go try to poop it out in the bathroom. Alone. He didn't need to see this.

I went into the guest bathroom of his house and squatted on the floor, because a) I didn't want the toy to end up in the toilet where I would have to fish it out and b) I know from experience that pooping can be easier in a squatting position. I really, really hoped that I would not end up pooping a bunch of feces all over the floor in addition to the toy, but figured I would just clean it up if I needed to. It was more important to get that fucking thing out.

Luckily I have transitioned from tampons to a Diva Cup lately for my lady time, and my experience with the Diva Cup taught me a lot about using the muscles down there to push things out. Granted, I had only been pushing things out of my vagina up to this point... unless you count all the pooping I've done over the years. But this was sort of different. I pushed and pushed, I'm sure there was a good deal of undignified grunting going on. I felt it moving closer to my anus, but wasn't going to come out quite on it's own. So I spit on my hand and went digging.

I was indeed surprised by the amount of natural lubricant I had created, and it made everything inside quite slippery and hard to grasp. The plug had actually managed to turn on it's side somehow, so I used my index finger to pull the base back toward my anus. After what seemed like minutes of fidgeting with that, I got it in place, and then pulled on either side of the base with my index and middle finger. It was much more painful coming out than going in. And covered in the biggest butt booger I had ever seen in my life.

Yes, that is how my ass self-lubricates. With gigantic butt-loogies. It was at least clear, without perhaps a slightly yellowish-brownish tint. But nothing too disgusting.

I washed that thing for a long, long time, and reveled in the triumph of being able to get something out of my ass without the help of a doctor. All together, the whole thing probably only took 5 minutes. Then I returned to poor, worried Arthur and put his mind at ease by showing him the recovered plug.

Then he kind of still want to have anal sex with me, and as much as I thought that might be fun I had also JUST PULLED A PLUG OUT OF MY ASS IN A SOMEWHAT PAINFUL WAY. So I said not tonight.

The saddest part of the story? We still haven't had anal sex! This all happened like... a month ago. And the time just hasn't been right since then.

And now that you've read one of the more TMIish posts I hope to ever post on my own ass, I hope you have learned a little something. If nothing else, just know that the base of a plug does not always serve it's purpose.