Monday, August 1, 2011


I have long known that I have a hetero-normative and perhaps unhealthy (? I don't know if that's really the right word, but other words are escaping me now) view of what sex is. Intellectually, I understand that sex can be any sort of sexual activity, and for many people there are all sorts of types of sex that can be had. But for me, it's all about the penis. And I don't just mean penetration with a penile object: I mean penetration with a penis attached to a male body. I don't even know how to get away from this, but I don't want to think or feel this way any more.

And yet... penises feel so good! In my pussy, yes. In my ass also. Dildos are ok. Hands are actually pretty great, and can do things penises can never do. A fist is awesome. A tongue is neat. I don't even have orgasms from penetration alone (or at least not those earth shattering, omg Imagonna die sort of orgasms), so why am I so obsessed with having a fucking cock in me?

I definitely don't feel like I've had sex unless I have been penetrated by a penis in some fashion. Even oral sex can sort of count, as long as a penis went in my mouth and not that my pussy just got licked. And I love getting my pussy licked, I can cum from it pretty easily. So, again, it's clearly not because it's the only way I can have an orgasm. I truly believe that it's because that is what I have always been taught sex is.

For example, let's take health class. I went to a fairly progressive school, was in high school during the Clinton White House when sexual education didn't have to be abstinence only (though it was strongly encouraged). But, when you first start to learn about sex, you learn about reproduction. The question "what is sex?" is often answered with "when a man and a woman really love each other, the man will put his penis inside the woman's vagina and then ejaculate." What?! I mean, why do we just sit around and let people say that still? People still say that! I believe that is part of where my definition of sex came from, hearing that over and over and over again.

You'd think I would have been able to define it differently by now, though. 12 years after I lost my virginity (and yes, by that I mean a penis was inserted into my vagina), I still can't get over it. I'll have sex with my girl friends and feel strangely unsatisfied afterward. And not from lack of orgasm, not even close. I have one male sexual partner currently who does not put his penis in my vagina for various reasons, but who still makes me cum like crazy. Seriously. But since there's no penis in my vagina, I always feel like something was missing. It's ridiculous.

If I thought it would help to ban PVI or PAI for a little while, I might do it. But frankly I'm addicted. I really and truly apologize to all of my dear and cherished lovers who, for whatever reason, cannot put a penis inside of me. Please be patient with me, we'll get through this together.

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